Why I Choose the Single Life

Some might wonder why I say I don't believe in monogamy. A month ago, I stayed up all night talking to a guy I've had relations with...we spent the entire night discussing how miserable he was in his relationship and how he was trying to find a way out...on Sunday - he proposed to her.
My ex of 8 years wonders why I won't speak to him... he wrote this letter to his boss while we were still sleeping together and he was driving a car in my name.
Still wondering?
My dearest love,

Yes, this is under the influence ( I am off tomorrow, drank with my crazy ass roomie). No, it neither aids nor reduces my ability to feel.

Every night I am without you I am torn. Every night. The fact that rather soon I will not even be able to sleep next to you nor touch you nor kiss you is agonizing. I actually had a second thought today. What if I stay? What if I grant you some more patience?

But for what. You aren't ready. Neither am I. I am debating whether or not to send this e-mail. You said Alex knew about me. Let me rephrase. You said he knew we speak.

Does he know I have slept over (and did more than sleep and more than once)? Does he know you told me you love me (more than once)? Does he know we will be husband and wife? Does he know you spent 2 hours the other day trying to convince me I was crazy and delusional... only for you to admit that the only reason you pretend to act cold is because otherwise you wouldn't be able to control yourself around me?

Do not share us unless you present a complete, accurate picture. I'd rather you didn't disclose our relationship to him. I know you can't possibly be being honest. If about nothing or no one else, I demand we be honest about us. I acknowledge I am out of my mind for you, you occasionally acknowledge the same. When I speak of you to anyone, I definitely say you drive me crazy... followed immediately by saying you are the love of my life and that I hope you drive me crazy for the rest of my days. I am having difficulty imagining my existence without you right now. Life will become so mundane, so uninspired again.

I will stop here. I know I promised you a few days off. Forgive this aberration. I simply wanted to express the depth of my concern about leaving the love of my life and try to persuade you to not disrespect the honesty that exists between you and I. If you are going to talk about me, talk about me as you did to your friend... say you met the love of your life, not that we are friends... acknowledge what we both know, that we truly were designed for each other... not that we are 'friends and stay in touch'. It is so much more than that. You know this.

Goodness... do not know what you did to me but I am yours. Listen to Nina Simones 'I Put a spell on you'. That is your song for what you do to me. Good night. Love you. Forgive me if this made you angry, annoyed, uncomfortable... all those wonderful emotions I put you through. I know when you say I am here to ruin you, that I am the worst... It is you fighting this, to your last breath. Sorry, you will not win that one. As long as I know you love me, that you feel it... I will fight you back. Bonne nuit ma cherie.

Dating 101

Okay so we meet.. at a bar.. through a friend..whatever the case may be.

Rule #1. Ask me for my phone number.. I'm not too picky. You can either come up with some cute little way of asking me..or just straightforward. Don't ask the mutual friend who introduced us or just add me on facebook.

Rule #2. After you get my phone number...do not text me to ask me out!

Need to rant..

Seriously, girls are the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen and men are just absolute ass holes. One of my exes likes to tell his new girlfriends how much they remind him of me. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???? If a male EVER, EVER, EVER said some dumb shit to me like that to me, I would have zero problem moving onto the next.

Paoli has so many pictures of us that show up on his facebook profile....not even just sweet innocent, possibly-friend-looking pictures... no..ones of us kissing, holding each other, laying in bed, making out, nose to nose....and seriously bitch was dumb enough to date him regardless of that fact.

I know that what people think shouldn't really matter but the reality of it is... it does not feel good to look like a fucking idiot to other people. That's part of being a female that I struggle with. I don't really, really value people's personal opinions but I know the way I look at girls who are super confident with their men and say stuff like "Oh no, he would never do this to me... or that to me... or cheat on me." Meanwhile, they are off fucking everything with legs. That's just embarrassing.. That's why I would rather just be skeptical and know that if I am with a man, there's a pretty good chance that he is or has fucked around on me..and it's better not to act so confident and secure about it.... because everyone who knows the truth will be laughing in your face.

I did something yesterday that could have possibly offended his new girl....and he cared...because evidently he just told her that he didn't want to talk to her anymore.  I'm sorry---I know I don't know you, girl.... but GET THE FUCK OVER IT. If a guy who I was talking to for two months quit talking to me.. I wouldn't even fucking blink. 2 months??? Please... honey... you have not even scratched the surface. You have no idea what lays behind the pretty brown eyes and charming way with words.

Anyway, okay---I think I finally feel cleansed.

A relapse

I guess this is most comparable to a heroin addict who quit cold turkey and has been easily bouncing along through life sober. I have been doing so wonderful, feeling great about everything, putting such a positive spin on even the shittiest of situations. I've been handing out great advice to my friends and truly following my own advice.

Until now...Today, Paoli (in a way that I won't mention) basically handed me the syringe. Once I had one little taste of the high (in my case, the pain), it was a downward spiral from there. At first it was bittersweet and kind of lovely...and then it grew more and more intense until I have spun into a near psychotic episode. I just want to keep hurting myself. I keep looking at the pictures, checking out the new girl he's dating on facebook, listening to painful songs, etc. I don't want to be sad... but maybe I do....maybe I like the way it hurts. That's why Love the Way You Lie is so freaking real. You get addicted to the high's and low's. My life is rather level right now and I don't know how to cope. So today when I was offered a source of a high, I jumped on it. I spun completely out of control and started behaving completely out of character. At least, I hope this isn't my character. If it is, it's a part of me, I've been dying to change for years. I can't wait until I have health insurance. I need to see someone about this. Maybe there are some techniques/exercises other than the ones I already use to avoid self sabotaging.

I am SERIOUSLY self aware...I know that I am 100% in love with Paoli and have been for years. I know all the shit that I'm supposed to do to help me heal from it. I know all of the things I shouldn't do.. and I have to pat myself on the back because for the most part, I don't do those things. I'm so pissed at myself for relapsing. I know better than to waste my time with such negative energy/thoughts/behavior.

I find myself wanting to do some crazy shit when I get into a spin like this. Even my best prayers, meditation, exercises, forms of escapism....can't seem to give me peace when I get to this point.

I have to admit that writing this has helped a little bit. I've been talking to friends about it.. and saying it out loud has helped a little...but it's much better when I can put it on paper.. or on screen.. ;)... I can look at it and say.. this is what this is.. and it must be addressed.

I just feel so angry deep inside. I feel like Fuck you.. fuck you for running over me again and again and again. Fuck you for being selfish. Fuck you for tricking yourself and me. Fuck you for being so inconsiderate. Fuck you for not appreciating my value in a relationship. This sounds a little stuck up but I know I'm not the problem. I don't have a doubt that I can find a guy to deal with me.. I have doubts that I can find someone who I want to give my time and energy to. Everyone seems so unworthy to me.

I put Paoli on a pedestal for so many fucking years...and even he doesn't get it 100%.

Anyway- this post has been so much rambling. I am going to play poker with my friends now. I will laugh. I will feel grateful instead of sad. I will be optimistic. I will forgive. I will let go.

From Deep Within...

Looking back = no bueno

I have figured out that looking back does me so much damage. I am so strong and completely fine as long as I stay in the present... the trips down memory lane just tear me to pieces. I can't wait until I can look back, smile and move on. I just came across a few pictures of Paoli and I. It could my mind back to a kind of happiness that I can't really get anywhere else. There's really no reason to sit and long for the past. It seems like such a simple concept but truly...why on Earth spend anytime at all wishing you could rewind time? NEWSFLASH--- it CAN'T be done! so get over it.. and spend the time and energy on the future and  the positive.

Blogging Deprived

I cannot believe I've let so much time pass. I'm finally starting to get into a little routine so I will weave blogging back into it somewhere. I can tell you that it likely won't happen during the week.. My Monday thru Fridays are insanely packed with work, feeding myself, and resting for the next day's work. I have to say... I'm extremely grateful for my job. Although, I don't make near enough money..  I'm learning a ton, I am surrounded by great people, and I think it's a wonderful opportunity. It's so nice to be back in a professional (not stuffy) environment. I am thoroughly enjoying the systems, the policies, the structures and the logic that my last job was seriously lacking. So here I am all settled into my life as the typical Hollywood Assistant. It's hysterically cliche. There's a book called The Hollywood Assistant's Handbook and it's so literally dead on!! While this life is exactly what I wanted.. there's one thing missing.. my family. I will have very little time to go visit them for a while and it's breaking my heart. I miss my entire family terribly. This week has been a struggle with missing those who I have a particularly strong bond with. Paoli is one of those that I've considered family for so long... so when I say I'm missing my family.. he's included. It's hard to go through transitions and milestones without that person you'd always imagined being there. I'm coping magnificently, if I must say so myself. It's not even a romantic relationship that I'm really missing right now. I don't feel a need for that in my life right now...I miss the true friendship - the real friendship. I do love my friends here. Erika and Crystal have been real life savers.. but there is nothing comparable to a  friendship that comes from sharing everything so intimately for 7 years.

Another interesting aspect of my life is the spiritual one---I've recently started getting into this movement call MSIA (Movement for Spiritual Inner Awareness). They have these peace gardens that i've only been to once but I'm really wanting to go back! They are so relaxing.

Speaking of relaxing, in the very little spare time that I have these days, I've been reading this book that Ariel sent me called "Eating Animals." Thus far... it's pretty interesting. I will keep you posted if I recommend it as a must-read.

Anyway-- I'm actually at work now.. so must get back to busy.. shhhhh!!!