A relapse

I guess this is most comparable to a heroin addict who quit cold turkey and has been easily bouncing along through life sober. I have been doing so wonderful, feeling great about everything, putting such a positive spin on even the shittiest of situations. I've been handing out great advice to my friends and truly following my own advice.

Until now...Today, Paoli (in a way that I won't mention) basically handed me the syringe. Once I had one little taste of the high (in my case, the pain), it was a downward spiral from there. At first it was bittersweet and kind of lovely...and then it grew more and more intense until I have spun into a near psychotic episode. I just want to keep hurting myself. I keep looking at the pictures, checking out the new girl he's dating on facebook, listening to painful songs, etc. I don't want to be sad... but maybe I do....maybe I like the way it hurts. That's why Love the Way You Lie is so freaking real. You get addicted to the high's and low's. My life is rather level right now and I don't know how to cope. So today when I was offered a source of a high, I jumped on it. I spun completely out of control and started behaving completely out of character. At least, I hope this isn't my character. If it is, it's a part of me, I've been dying to change for years. I can't wait until I have health insurance. I need to see someone about this. Maybe there are some techniques/exercises other than the ones I already use to avoid self sabotaging.

I am SERIOUSLY self aware...I know that I am 100% in love with Paoli and have been for years. I know all the shit that I'm supposed to do to help me heal from it. I know all of the things I shouldn't do.. and I have to pat myself on the back because for the most part, I don't do those things. I'm so pissed at myself for relapsing. I know better than to waste my time with such negative energy/thoughts/behavior.

I find myself wanting to do some crazy shit when I get into a spin like this. Even my best prayers, meditation, exercises, forms of escapism....can't seem to give me peace when I get to this point.

I have to admit that writing this has helped a little bit. I've been talking to friends about it.. and saying it out loud has helped a little...but it's much better when I can put it on paper.. or on screen.. ;)... I can look at it and say.. this is what this is.. and it must be addressed.

I just feel so angry deep inside. I feel like Fuck you.. fuck you for running over me again and again and again. Fuck you for being selfish. Fuck you for tricking yourself and me. Fuck you for being so inconsiderate. Fuck you for not appreciating my value in a relationship. This sounds a little stuck up but I know I'm not the problem. I don't have a doubt that I can find a guy to deal with me.. I have doubts that I can find someone who I want to give my time and energy to. Everyone seems so unworthy to me.

I put Paoli on a pedestal for so many fucking years...and even he doesn't get it 100%.

Anyway- this post has been so much rambling. I am going to play poker with my friends now. I will laugh. I will feel grateful instead of sad. I will be optimistic. I will forgive. I will let go.