Day 1

So I've decided to start blogging my way through this break up. The love of my life has decided after 7 years of many ebbs and flows..that he wants to flow without me. Last night was his last night in our house and today is officially my first day alone.  I know on the other side of this river is a really sunny place, but unfortunately, I have to go through it to get to the other side. For the past 3 weeks, my life has been in a slight turmoil. So..to catch you up to this point, plenty of tears have been shed. When a heart breaks, it's absolutely amazing the range of emotions that are felt. There's the "I will die without you, please don't go, you can treat me however you want, I just need you in my life" emotion, which should quickly be disregarded. Then there's the "Well forget (or other words beginning with "f") you then, if you don't want to be with me, I can find someone who will commit." Then there's the sense of feeling like all 7 years of "I love you and want to die with you" HAD to have been complete bullshit. In all of this, I have tried desperately to blame myself completely...and then turn around and blame him completely. To be quite truthful, blame really has no place in his. At this point, what does it matter when the end result is the same?The end result is not what I want it to be. So I say all that to come to the current conclusion "He is human. I love him, regardless. He is probably not the person for me and definitely not now or for the next 5 years. He has been and is my best friend, so I hope my heart heals quickly and allows me to continue with that sooner rather than later."


Completely disregarding outside judgements, I believe this is love. It is not a marriage, a commitment, or a family, which are all things I desire, but it is 100% love. The two of us together and apart have always, always understood each other as humans, accepted and embraced each other. We are both so complex for so many reasons. Eminem said it best, "Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano." 


I love that about life.. the way it unfolds. The way 6 months, a  year, however long it takes, the reason for whatever happened is revealed. I've been putting off reading Eat, Pray, Love for years, for no reason. Everyone and their dog has told me to read it because I would absolutely love it. It turns out, I haven't read it because I so desperately need it right now. Elizabeth Gilbert is literally, my best friend right now. haha- get it, literally. Anyway, I have been journaling a bit, as I read through this book. One of my favorite excerpts so far... Her friend's Richard's response when she tells him that this person she is getting over was her soulmate. 


"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think that a soul mate is your perfect fit, and thats what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet because they'll tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates,  they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. " 


I thought this passage rather clearly explained what Paoli and I have done for each other. We've done it in the most beautiful, real way possible. 


One sentence that is recurring theme in my life and in my head...it is always constant and always comforting.  "God is Love."


I'll leave this for now because today, I am playing volleyball and poker with new found friends who seem to genuinely care about my happiness. Most posts will be a bit shorter..today was all the catching up I had to do in order for this to make any sense. 

Not the most flattering pic... well..that's because my current situation is not so flattering.