Day 2

I had a great day yesterday!! I played 4 games of volleyball in Venice Beach with a new group of people who are turning out to be really cool. I love how life throws good friends your way when you need them. It's like walking into that Spanish class after having just moved to Rogers, AR. Those friends saved my life and made my high school years. Anyway, I haven't been laughing too much in the past three weeks.. and that's a damn shame because it's such a wonderful thing. So last night, as I was playing poker with my 8 new friends..something happened that made me laugh til I nearly peed. So I decide to go all in on a hand that I was completely bullshitting on, and much to my surprise 2 people called me. So when I lost that round to the girl sitting two people to my left, I pushed all of my chips her way. A few moments later, the guy sitting directly to my left, says, "hey, um...where did my chips go?" AHHHHH! Evidently, I was tipsy off of my one beer and one mikes lemonade, and pushed all of both of our chips to the girl! We laughed and laughed and laughed!! I don't see myself living that one down anytime soon.

I had a very strange night last night. I went to sleep fine because I was exhausted but I woke up a few times in the middle of the night wondering where I was, what I was doing, why my life felt so different. It's so torturous to wake up in the middle of the night thinking that the whole thing was a bad night mare.

So since I've been housesitting, I have not been home since Paoli moved out. I walked in this morning feeling nice and tough. I told myself, "Brenna, crying will not make him come back. So stop it." I really didn't think that it would hurt so bad. I walked into the house and immediately felt the emptiness. I didn't cry, though. I knew he left a few belongings so I went to gather them up for him to come by and get. I had no desire to run across them later. I'm trying to rip the band aid off as quick as possible...quick in this case, has taken about 3 weeks! Eeek! Anyway, at this point, still no tears. I open up a folder of his papers and I see a slideshow I made him. I STILL didn't cry. I was so impressed with myself. And then, for some self-torturing reason, I decided to open up a letter which I had written him in the not too distant past. It spoke of how we had both done our soul searching and how forgiving and wonderful each of us had been. It listed all the reasons why we were meant for each other and why I was so lucky to have him. I wrote of the realness of our love and understanding. Word by word, my tears grew stronger. Referring back to my first entry, holy cow, there are a wide range of emotions involved in this. I called my mom and she comforted me a great deal. I took a shower and told myself what I've been telling myself over and over, "There's only looking forward." My mom told me that someday, and maybe not too far off, that I'll be able to look back at this relationship with joy and remember it fondly as just another chapter in my book.

So..I took a shower, cried because I had to, washed my hair, and dried my eyes. Mowgli says it's all going to be okay :)

Isn't it funny how if everyone on the sideline in your life could sit and call the plays, you could likely avoid any hurt. I mean what fun would that be because they wouldn't be your choices..but it's always so interesting to me to think about how much easier it is to look at someone else's situation and make the better choice but when you're in you're own shoes...it's all about what your heart and head truly   desire.