Day 6

Last night was absolutely horrible. I couldn't go to sleep because of all the anxiety. For the past couple of years, I have had some recurring breathing issues. That's been tripping me up lately, too. When I finally did get to sleep, I dreamt about some crazy people taking over some town I was in and trying to kidnap me for being in their territory. I made my escape when a couple of young guys passed in a horse-drawn carriage...they let me jump in the back. They took me to a hiding place and when the kidnappers found me, they were slicing my thumbs with knives. I woke up because it hurt. So it was not a very restful night of sleep. That bed feels so different now, although it still feels like mine. I was afraid I might not ever want to sleep in it again, but I'm beginning to feel like that will pass. It helps that my mom is here.

I had a really great day with my mom and one of her friend who happens to be visiting from Arkansas. We sat in the sunshine and laughed for hours. She's probably one of the funniest people I know. I'm so grateful to be somewhere where it's sunny most of the time. It's really helping with the optimistic and peaceful feelings I have about this situation. Unfortunately, every place still has night time and boy is it rough! It's amazing how when the sun sets, I can automatically feel the heaviness set in my chest. It seems like all of this stuff I've been telling this blog and telling my self is a little less true. The truth of the matter is...no this is NOT what I want, but it is what it is. I am not happier that this has happened, but I tried my darndest to change it. I fought with all I had, for as long as I could and the end result is still this. So I guess accepting is really all there is to do, and I'm slowly getting that. The Serenity Prayer is one that's coming to me often.

God, grant us the...

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

If that doesn't sum it up, I don't know what does. As difficult as night time is, the sun will rise and I will feel a little bit better than I did the day before. So here's to resting my eyes tonight and waking up a little stronger tomorrow.

Peace, Love and Acceptance... those are the themes today.