Day 9

I don't even know what day it is. All I know is that I'm extremely annoyed at the moment. I'm doing my best to leave this as peaceful as I know how so that I can get past it with a friendship still in tact to be picked up later. I don't really want to be chatty cathy. All I really care to know at this point is if he is alive, fed and watered. Anymore than that is just too much for me to handle. I don't really know what it is in my mind that I'm picturing him doing in order to get through this so easily.. but I want to keep it that way. I don't mind the occasional text just to check in.. but I'm just not that other half of him anymore. Without committing to me as a partner, he just doesn't get all the benefits of having that. I feel like so many men want all the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility.. I wish them well.

Ughhh I just feel like screaming right now because this is all such stupid bullshit. I want to be so far on the other side of this. I don't want to have any romantic feelings towards him at all and right now they are fading each day, which is helping tremendously. As bad as I'd love to be able to talk to him as a friend right now, it only rekindles those little romantic flames in my head and butterflies in my stomach. Yuck. Why have those just to have them? I've kindly asked them to move out for at least 7-10 years.

I'm not going to play the little misunderstood girl anymore. I am going to find people and like them for what they are and accept them. Yeah, it's freaking great to have someone who knows you inside and out right by your side to share life with..but really Brenna? You really think that he is the only person who understands you?? No. That's not possible. Maybe he is the only person who will ever understand me in that way, but I'm sure there's someone else who will get me just as well, only in a different light. That makes sense in my head but I'm not sure if it does written down. Oh well.

Speaking of other people...last night was so funny. I went swimming with a group of people I have now coined "The Lonely Hearts Club." Haha! I met them all in the hot tub. I got to talkin' to a girl named Bonnie who just went through a divorce after a 17 year marriage. Ouch! She got out of it because he suffered from depression. She told me that he would have days where all he wanted to do was lock himself in and play video games. They are both 39...probably about time to throw those out. Anyway, he decided that his depression wasn't fair to do put her through anymore and he left her. She knows it's really the for the best. She told me the quote "Sometimes blessings come in shitty packages." Yes, they do. The other members of the club are Gia, an Israeli girl, her brother, Tal, a girl named Joseanne who has a 3 year old son, and Eric.. who I've yet to learn about. Although, I'm pretty sure that Eric was on some sort of pool date with Joseanne.. and he definitely asked me on a date right in front of her.. confused...I'm probably not interested but those pimpin' skills would sure make my brother proud. I was walking out of the pool and he said, "See ya next time..." And I was thinking, "um sure.." and then I get just passed the gate and he said, "Sunday at 5??" I just looked at my mom and laughed my ass off! I'm not ready to date but the attention never hurts a girl's self esteem.

I still lose sleep..unfortunately. Oddly enough, I'm losing sleep because I'm worrying if Paoli is sleeping alright. Love is such a silly thing. I keep having ridiculous dreams! I'm glad I've moved on from the Asian Gang dreams though... last night was funny rather than scary! Thank God!

Oh my wordddd I'm so excited! The Davids gets here tonight! Only 3 days til Gaga. I'm dressing up and it's going to be amazing!!! I dunno if I can get David to but I'm gonna give it hell. I went and got some more furniture because Weeds premieres soon and a few friends are going to start coming over every week to watch it! Mowgli is in love with his new chair--he and Violet are debating which one is whose?

Anyway, I feel so much better after writing this. I'm back to my center, back at peace, back to loving this life and appreciating all the weird cards it has dealt me.

and You..if you're reading this.. We'll find the friendship balance one day.. we will.. just not today.