Positivity

I want to be back in the light of positivity. I don't enjoy feeling this anger, resentment, and negativity. I am not generally a pessimistic person but gosh it's hard to find the optimism right now. I'm so angry because I thought I had life all figured out. I just made big decisions that I thought would be great long term. I don't want to make other big ones right now. I don't want to take the risk of losing it all again right now. I'm pulling a Lani and wanting God to make my decision for me. It's like I applied to positions all over the country hoping that one would open up where I am supposed to go..but my time is running out and it looks like I am going to have to simply call the shot. I have all these conflicting desires. I want NYC people and food, California weather, a great job, and to be near my family, especially when this baby is born. I'm so blessed that my problem is having too many options right now. If I move to Atlanta will I hate it? Will I be jeopardizing my career if I move back there now? Would it be a financially sound decision to just move in with my family and save money to pay down some debt or is that unrealistic because I'll likely always have some debt? If I stay in California, will I hate myself for being away from my family while they all relish in the goodness that is welcoming a new addition? I have never been at a place in my life where I have absolutely no clue what I want. Maybe a career in the music industry would be so fulfilling to me.. and that could be achieved in Atlanta.

I went to a movie premiere tonight at Grauman's Chinese Theater....Going the Distance. I sat 1 row behind Drew Barrymore. I got to watch her watch herself on the big screen. It was very neat experience. I got to see Justin Long, Jonah Hill, and many others in person. I even washed my hands next to Kate Beckinsale. I was really grateful to Erika and Arnold for taking me.


On a completely different note.. I HAVE to let go of this anger towards Paoli that has developed of late. It's not letting me move on.. for some reason it's keeping me back and just becoming a vicious cycle. Why do I just want to sit and fight with him? I don't have anything to prove. Neither does he. There is no point in it. We've learned what there is to learn from this whole experience... now all there is to do move forward only sending positive love each other's way. Dear God, please let me hold on to this. I feel it in this moment.. let me keep it.


Okay blah blah blah. I'm off to cuddle with my babies---I'm going to be worried about them while I'm gone. My Mowgles is such a sociable little butterfly. He's going to miss our cuddles.