Day 4

I know it's already Tuesday..but I forgot to mention the absolutely amazing lunch I had with my friend Shannon on Sunday. It was so nice. I talked to someone who could really understand what I was saying, drank an amazing mojito, and ate the best brownie sunday ever! We talked about how precious life was and how great it was to be able to appreciate that. We were talking about how people who have never dealt with death don't quite get it the same as people who have.

So I've been having many epiphanies since this whole thing happened. I'm just so confused by religion right now. If it was really used as it was intended, wouldn't this be a beautiful world. Every different religion would just be another way for a person to better themselves, which would in turn better the world. In Eat, Pray, Love, a major theme is how she sets out to help herself and ends up helping "tutti," which means "everyone" in Italian. What a beautiful thing! And so true!

Everything is starting to make sense now. I moved out to California with Paoli because God knew I wouldn't want to be here alone. It's like he got me all set up out here, got me comfortable and then said, "Okay, good job with Paoli. Now show me that you can do it alone." What a novel concept. Brenna. Just Brenna. Fully content with herself. I honestly can't believe how fast it's happening, but I think I'm starting to get there. Most of my life, I've been happy with me.. but I've been happy with me with someone else. I have spent so much time alone in the past two weeks and for the most part, have not only been okay, but actually happy. It's funny how when life gets tough, I become more grateful. I think, ouch, this hurts..but look at how great my life and the people in it are. I think about how strong I am. (Let me throw in here that the love and support of my family and a few close friends contributes a great, great deal to this strength.) I don't think I could have done this type of self-exploration in NYC. In fact, I know I couldn't. I am right where I am, in this sunshine, with a job where I do very little, so that I can sit by the pool, read Eat, Pray, Love, and love myself for a while. The Self is such an amazing thing. Since reading this book, I have turned to the inner me when I would have normally turned to Paoli. I tell myself, "you're great. you're beautiful. look at what you have accomplished." As Elizabeth Gilbert did, I find myself truly being a friend to me.

I think it was my grandma who said you could always go out in your backyard, take the hose and make your own rainbow. That quote hadn't occurred to me until today. For the past two weeks, I have been watering the plants with the hose. I always thought, "Wow, this is relaxing," but that's as far as it went. It wasn't until I was squatting down to spray the mud off the driveway, when a rainbow spread all the way across the giant fountain over water. I thought, "Check it out, grandma. I did make my own rainbow, even in the middle of the mud."

Before I could even press "publish" on this post.  I went outside to do something and I felt a buzzing in my ear. I went to swat it away because I thought it was a bee. (Now, if you don't know my mom and I, I'll tell you that we believe our loved ones who have passed come back and visit as birds. I just wrote on here yesterday about how I wish my grandparents were here. ) When I swatted and backed up.. it was  a hummingbird...in my ear!! I looked up and it flew to sit by another hummingbird there on a branch. On impulse I got my phone out and clicked the picture. So here she is... :) I'm balling my eyes out right now!