Dog Days Are Over

Today was a lovely day! I woke up early and talked to Kresh(one of my best guy friends) about silly dating stuff. He has some hilarious advice on this because he has pulled so many of these moves. It had me absolutely cracking up. I think that's what's fun about dating. If you are not desperately seeking a serious relationship, you can have fun getting to know people and laugh at the stunts and games that people try to pull and play.

I talked to Barbara and got a completely opposing and female perspective on the whole situation. I ended up taking Barbara into consideration but following my mom and Kresh's advice.. sorta. haha. They suggest I ignore this boy I'm slightly seeing...but instead I decided to start totally treating him like a piece of meat which threw him off just as much.

So that was this morning.. I then had a great lunch date with this guy who one of my friends put me in touch with. It was more of a networking/job opportunity meeting but I think we could really be great friends. He's 29, very cute, and extremely sweet. He took me up to his office and introduced to me to everyone. He has a seriously interesting job and great co-workers. We ate Panera and talked about everything from relationships, to living in NYC, to possible job opportunities. It was very refreshing.

I got home from lunch, finished up The Lady Eve, and took a lovely afternoon nap with my kitties. I then had the best/most hilarious skype date with Rachel(one of my best girlfriends who lives in Wisconsin now). We cooked our dinners, drank way too much wine, and talked on skype for about 4 hours. By the end of the conversation, we were both acting ridiculous. I'm so grateful for her. She is in a situation right now that I have been in before. It's not exactly a pleasant one, and it's hard for me to advise her because I don't actually want her to make the same mistake that I did.. but at the same time I don't know if the feelings that she has will simply pass. I just keep trying to make sure I present both ends of the spectrum to her and leave the decision up to her.

My mom is coming tomorrow!!!! I'm so ecstatic about it. I'm really grateful that she is coming to help me move. Inevitably, we are going to have fun while she is here, but most importantly I could use her good eye and mind for making the most of my new space!!

Paoli sent me some very sweet/encouraging texts today. I love him so much as a person. I always will. I cherish all of the memories, self esteem, and lessons I gained from him. I so wish him happiness.

I have to say how extremely, insanely, amazing Florence + The Machine is/are (not sure which one that would be... haha) I completely rocked out to them all the way to and from Santa Monica. I was so completely in it. I can put her songs on and just dance all around my car or apartment and feel so high! Did I mention a time or two that I freaking love music!!!! They make for an absolutely excellent playlist on pandora. I was also really feeling A Tribe Called Quest, Tupac, Ice Cube, Kate Nash, and Lily Allen today. Random, I know. It's how I roll.

Dog Days....

I love everyone in my life so much. Thank you God for all of the characters in my book.

The Dating World

is sooo ridiculous. the great part about it is there is very little emotion invested so whatever games are played are more comical than anything else.

so cheers to being completely single...

last night i made myself tacos, bought this lovely little bottle of wine, and indulged in some great movies and music videos..

dancing bull.. suits me perfect... i am a dancing little taurus after all

here's a song that left me feeling happy

Kate Nash- Merry Happy

More Changes

So it's clearly been too long since I've written a post. I keep having these ideas, thoughts,  and what I like to think is insightful information that I need to write down but I have been a busy, busy bee! Being single has driven me to the arms and ears of so many friends which is very very refreshing. I spend hours a week now talking to my female friends..those who live close and those who don't. My voice has been gone for 2 weeks and I thought it was from staying up all night every night but maybe it's from talking too damn much.

 I had a great conversation with one of my friends about how interesting this point in life is. The point where nothing is predetermined..there's no black and white or right and wrong per say. No parent is telling you "go to school, get good grades, pick a college, graduate from college." There is just a world of options and decisions to be made. Yes, some decisions are easier than others. Those others are the kickers. Sometimes there's no way of knowing how something might turn out but you just have to go for it. The only comfort you can fall back on if the chosen path turns out shitty, is that it was your decision and you wanted it at some point. I am really grateful to say that although a few of my decisions might not have been the absolute best, they were mine and there's something nice about that.

Speaking of big decisions, I have finally reached a temporary conclusion to the "where to live" battle. I have decided to stay in California 6 more months. I just moved here and am really starting to embrace it. The truth is, as much as I want to be near my family, I'm not quite ready to leave here. The industry is here and I feel that I should be  doing my darndest to break my way in. If by the end of my 6 months, I have hit a dead end, then I will move to Atlanta to be near my family when the baby is born. My apartment is really cute. It's a studio in Sherman Oaks which is much closer to everything. Another beautiful thing.. it will be half the rent of my current place. My mom's coming out to help me move and I am ever so grateful for that! I do not feel sad or emotional about leaving my place for the most part because I'm excited to start my own new chapter with a new focus. A focus on my career and volunteering. The only thing I'm dreading is peeling off the wall decal of the tree and leaves in my bedroom. That's a seriously fond memory to me and peeling those lil bitches off one at a time is going to be rather painful. I can just see it now.. as I peel each one "He loves me... he loves me not." Haha.

As far as the job hunt goes...I went on an interview but realized the pay would be lesser than my unemployment amount so I figure I'll skip that one. It also wasn't in the industry I want to work in so I am just considering it a practice interview. I did pretty well. I felt very comfortable, confident, and articulate. I've met a few really great contacts who've said that they will keep their eyes out for something. I have a lunch meeting with someone who works in production tomorrow just to get to know each other. LA is all about networking. After the appropriate facebook stalkage, I see that this guy is pretty cute too so that could be fun.

This is David...He has named me PeeWee.

California Wind in my hair!

Up and Down, Back and Forth...The Roller coaster called Life

So I've decided to move into an apartment with my friend Lorena. It turns out we are both looking for a place and we have decided to join forces. I'm really excited because she seems to be really cool about my cats and everything which was my number one concern with having a roommate. She even came over and Violet flipped over in her lap. I looked at a really cute apartment today for a very reasonable price in Hollywood. It has a completely different feel than my current apartment does, but I liked it.

Paoli has driven an extreme amount in the last two days..last time I spoke to him he was almost to Louisiana. Yesterday afternoon, he was in this LA. He called me struggling today. It hurt to hear him so sad. He called me later with a much better attitude and this made me happy. I talked to him for a really long time though...and when we got off the phone, it hit me. I miss him. I shed a few tears..prayed for strength and am now turning on an old movie. It's so lovely to talk to him because he really truly gets me.. but it's equally as frustrating because it would be nice to have that in a life partner. I'm grateful that I'll always have him as a best friend, but it will just take some adjusting. I'm just happy to have experienced that sort of bond and understanding in this lifetime at all because I think it's pretty safe to say that plenty of people don't.

There's a great quote by Diana Ross that I think of a lot when I cry.. "I cry not for myself, but for those who've never felt the joy we've felt."

The End and The Beginning

So I've felt slightly void of real emotions lately. It's been refreshing. I wouldn't want to spend my whole life like this but it's a good defense mechanism for the moment. I understand what Paoli means when he says he's been too caught up in feeling. We were just never able to find the balance. In my last post, I was pissed because he hadn't arrived when he said the would that night. He finally did though.. and he apologized for his lateness. It turned out to be a really lovely night of conversation. It's times like those when I realize just how special our bond is. It's a not a bond that needs to be forced into something with restrictions, like a relationship. It does not need a label because no words can do it justice.

After a lovely night of conversation we got in a huge fight the next morning over something very silly. He was supposed to spend that whole day and another night...but he left right away. I guess that was good in the end. We didn't need to spend anymore time in this house remembering how lovely it is to hold and kiss each other. It's almost like it had to happen to provide some sort of a clean break. It also taught me one last lesson from the relationship which I won't publish.

That was Thursday morning. We talked later that day about how much of a FAIL that was. We rejoined Friday evening for a last dinner together at our favorite Thai place. We hugged and kissed and made plans to hang out one last time on Sunday night. He told me he would spend the night and leave early Monday morning. Today was Sunday..I got a call from a very sad Paoli at 1:00pm. He thought better of spending one more night with me and left for Miami leaving our Thai dinner as our final goodbye. I guess it's better that way. I so hope he finds happiness. I hope we both do.

I keep reiterating that this has given me such strength and power within myself. I think I really mean it. Every time I start to feel down, I say a prayer in gratitude for the wonderful aspects of my life and I pray for strength and direction moving forward. It helps tremendously. When that heaviness sets in my chest, I just pray for God to lift it and to help me dedicate my energy to more positive things.

For the first time I've moved on in a way that I've never moved on before. Not in 7 years. I feel slightly excited about being forced out of the comfort zone of Paoli and I's relationship. It's forcing to me to meet new people and experience new things. Change can be good if you embrace it.

 I've decided to stay in LA. I moved out here to pursue my dream of working in film..why would I leave so soon? I have decided to give it my all to stay out here. I am also really starting to value my friendships with my female friends and it's a part of my life I've been missing for a long time. This is absolutely not intended to minimize my friendships with my best friends who live far away (Rachel, Barbara, etc). I have spent so much time laughing and crying on the phone with Rachel lately. I'm so grateful for her.

Hollywood Blvd Saturday, September 11, 2010

Anyway.. back to staying in LA. I have two plans of action..I will either collect unemployment and take 2 part time gigs that pay off the books or I will get a job in time. I plan on extending my stay in my current apartment until October 15th so that I have time to secure an apartment and a job. If by October 15th I don't have a secured apartment and source of income, I'll move to Georgia with my fam.

Pause-- I'm watching Lady Gaga on the VMA's... I just teared up. I love her. She's so incredibly passionate about what she does. It's amazing.

I have three songs to dedicate tonight...one to say, Technically...It's over. Another to say, I'll always be there. Lastly to say, Beat inside me forever.

A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover

Kings of Leon- On Call

Sia- My Love

I mean every word of My Love. That song is so incredibly powerful.

Super Annoyed....

So Paoli was coming over tonight after work to spend some time before he goes to Miami. I've been asleep but just woke up because I have a totally messed up sleeping pattern at the moment. It's 1:43am...the last thing I heard was at 11:45pm- "I'm running late at work. I'll call you when I leave." I'm not sure what that's about but, in any case, it's not cool. I actually got a great offer for other plans tonight and turned that person down because I already told Paoli he could come over tonight. I hate when time is not appreciated. Not only in my personal life, but in my professional life as well. It's always been a huge matter of respect to me. So I've actually discovered something I'm looking forward to enjoying about a single life. I don't want to have that feeling in my gut about not knowing where someone is or why they are not answering their phone. If I don't give a shit where you are...I will be incapable of having that feeling. Can't wait.

Anyway, I'm now annoyed and bitter so I'm off to listen to this freaking great Arcade Fire Pandora channel.

Sweet Dreams Indeed.

Focus Dude....

So let's just say I have pretty much managed to turn this frown upside down. :) I've had the best weekend/start of the week. Friday night I hung out with Paoli just to spend a little time before he leaves for Miami. That was nice. Saturday we played volleyball forever! It was so much fun. Straight from volleyball I hit the gay bars with Maria and Amir. It was a pretty fun night. I randomly bumped into this guy who I met at the Gaga concert. We talked for a bit so that was really cool. I didn't get home until 4am after going out that night. Sunday was also absolutely fantastic. I went out with the whole gang to a fun little karaoke bar. We didn't actually get to sing the songs that we wanted to because the bar closed before they got to our names on the list. We went and had Denny's at 3am or so and I ended up getting home around 4 that night too! Who knew I could still hang?! haha. I'm surprising myself. So this brings me to Monday..the best day of them all. Crystal, Erika, and I didn't sleep much that night so we just lounged around all day at our own houses... about 2:30 we all got on the phone and decided that we couldn't let labor day go uncelebrated. We each went to the store grabbed a dish and met up at my pool. Erika and Crystal frequently pull out some great one-liners. I'm not sure why it made me giggle so much but Erika showed up with a vitamin water for me that said Focus on it.. She said "I got this for you so you can focus on yourself and not Paoli." I loved that. Little did I know that focus water was magical :) We ate our food by the pool, drank our gluten free ciders and iced tea in the hot tub and then headed back to my house. Last minute, we get a call from Erika's friend Dean who she has been wanting to introduce me to....for no other reason than I get along really well with guys and he happens to be a very laid back, cool dude. There's not a person that Erika has introduced me to that I didn't love. She's pretty great at that. So we all got ready to go and headed to his house for some drinks. We were planning on it being a very chill, relaxed, and early night. It was everything but that. Dean has the most adorable, warm, homey apartment ever. It has a beautiful view of all of Hollywood. He was a great host. Being that he's a bartender, he made us some lovely drinks which definitely contributed to the fun. After lots and lots of talking, we all decided to head up to the hot tub..Erika proceeded to strip down to her panties and jump in the cold pool! It was pretty darn hilarious. After a nice soak in the rooftop hot tub, we all got the hankerin' to play shuffle board...so off we went to the nearest bar that had it. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! Dean and I played game after game against Arnold, Erika, and Crystal. We kept beating them and then finally realized in the end that we had been totally keeping score wrong! Luckily, Arnold was our designated driver so the rest of us got beyond wasted. So...anyway..again we shut the bar down and headed home. The rest is history :)

Cheers to new friends and many more good times with them!

Frosting My Cake

So my mom just put everything into perspective! She said let's look at what you really just did... got; to graduate school early, to add Gil Netter to your resume, six months to play on a California beach, severance pay to move across the country, six months unemployment money to play with Ollie while Effie is on her way and six months to search for the job I really want.  This really is beautiful..I can take my time and decide what I really want to do. There's no need to settle for a full time job that I don't want to work right now.

Thank you Lani.

Halleluyah!

Brenna

A thought...

It just dawned on me that I may never find the man of my dreams and marry him in this lifetime....the point is to learn to love the rest of life so much that I'm just as fulfilled even if I don't. Although, I think deep down inside I'll always be hoping for it. I have too much love to give and if I don't find a proper outlet for it, I'll never be complete.

Dear You

Dear You,

When you come along, I want to be the strongest me I can be. I want to be tough and independent with a heart inside that's secretly dying to love again. I want you to be able to see that and want that heart so bad that you'd do anything. I want you to romance me like they do in the movies until my heart finally allows you to come in. After you've won your way in, I want to be the strongest partnership that ever existed. I don't want it to be me and you against the world. I want it to be me and you enjoying this world, relishing in each other and all that this life has to offer. I want to KNOW you, inside and out and I want to spend as much time as it takes getting there. I want you to be so head over heels in love with me that letting me go would never enter your mind. I have so much love to give you someday. You'll see..when I love, I love with all of me. I want to scratch your back, gently touch your face until you fall asleep, hold your hand wherever we go, and attempt to cook you meals. I want you to dance. I want to dance with you in the club knowing that it's each other we get to drag home that night. I want to have the confidence and the security in you so that I never behave in a controlling or jealous fashion. I want to know that you're so crazy about me, there would be no reason for you to look elsewhere. I want to feel secure enough with you to explore our sexuality. I never want to stop learning about my body, your body, and what they can do together. I want you to propose to me and know 100% that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I want us to promise to each other, to God, and our family/friends that the commitment we are making is exactly what our vows state; til death. I know you'll have your flaws, I know I will too. I know we'll mess up, but we will make it through. I don't want you to leave me whenever you're unsure, I want you to fight for it, pray for it, and try everything humanly possible before you break that promise. I want you to want to have a child with me and adopt a child with me. I want you to enjoy volunteering and encourage me to do so. I want you to accept, love and embrace my family because they are a part of me. I want you to be able to get so lost in music with me. I want you to be you and I will love you for that. I want you to let me boss you around on occasion, not because you are weak, but because you know I get a kick out of it. I want to give you the pleasure of knowing that I will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be there. I want you to know that you have a best friend, another half, who understands you, even when know one else can. Lastly, if I ever really do find you...I want you to appreciate that a bond/connection/chemistry/love that's real doesn't happen everyday. I hope you'll hold on for dear life.