The End and The Beginning

So I've felt slightly void of real emotions lately. It's been refreshing. I wouldn't want to spend my whole life like this but it's a good defense mechanism for the moment. I understand what Paoli means when he says he's been too caught up in feeling. We were just never able to find the balance. In my last post, I was pissed because he hadn't arrived when he said the would that night. He finally did though.. and he apologized for his lateness. It turned out to be a really lovely night of conversation. It's times like those when I realize just how special our bond is. It's a not a bond that needs to be forced into something with restrictions, like a relationship. It does not need a label because no words can do it justice.

After a lovely night of conversation we got in a huge fight the next morning over something very silly. He was supposed to spend that whole day and another night...but he left right away. I guess that was good in the end. We didn't need to spend anymore time in this house remembering how lovely it is to hold and kiss each other. It's almost like it had to happen to provide some sort of a clean break. It also taught me one last lesson from the relationship which I won't publish.

That was Thursday morning. We talked later that day about how much of a FAIL that was. We rejoined Friday evening for a last dinner together at our favorite Thai place. We hugged and kissed and made plans to hang out one last time on Sunday night. He told me he would spend the night and leave early Monday morning. Today was Sunday..I got a call from a very sad Paoli at 1:00pm. He thought better of spending one more night with me and left for Miami leaving our Thai dinner as our final goodbye. I guess it's better that way. I so hope he finds happiness. I hope we both do.

I keep reiterating that this has given me such strength and power within myself. I think I really mean it. Every time I start to feel down, I say a prayer in gratitude for the wonderful aspects of my life and I pray for strength and direction moving forward. It helps tremendously. When that heaviness sets in my chest, I just pray for God to lift it and to help me dedicate my energy to more positive things.

For the first time I've moved on in a way that I've never moved on before. Not in 7 years. I feel slightly excited about being forced out of the comfort zone of Paoli and I's relationship. It's forcing to me to meet new people and experience new things. Change can be good if you embrace it.

 I've decided to stay in LA. I moved out here to pursue my dream of working in film..why would I leave so soon? I have decided to give it my all to stay out here. I am also really starting to value my friendships with my female friends and it's a part of my life I've been missing for a long time. This is absolutely not intended to minimize my friendships with my best friends who live far away (Rachel, Barbara, etc). I have spent so much time laughing and crying on the phone with Rachel lately. I'm so grateful for her.

Hollywood Blvd Saturday, September 11, 2010

Anyway.. back to staying in LA. I have two plans of action..I will either collect unemployment and take 2 part time gigs that pay off the books or I will get a job in time. I plan on extending my stay in my current apartment until October 15th so that I have time to secure an apartment and a job. If by October 15th I don't have a secured apartment and source of income, I'll move to Georgia with my fam.

Pause-- I'm watching Lady Gaga on the VMA's... I just teared up. I love her. She's so incredibly passionate about what she does. It's amazing.

I have three songs to dedicate tonight...one to say, Technically...It's over. Another to say, I'll always be there. Lastly to say, Beat inside me forever.

A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover

Kings of Leon- On Call

Sia- My Love

I mean every word of My Love. That song is so incredibly powerful.