Family

So a lot has happened since my last post. I went to the beach with Erika and Crystal last week and it was such a lovely time. August has been an extremely transitional month for so many people that I know, including the three of us. Life really is a book, and as long as you can appreciate each transition as a new chapter, it's a much more enjoyable ride.

I just went to Augusta for my sister's 26th birthday! It was absolutely amazing. I thank God a million times a day for my family. There are two things in my life that have been constant; change and family. Not everyone has that luxury of having a family who WILL be there. There is an absolutely amazing bond that we all have. The only fights we have come out of the overprotectiveness that we have over each other. Anyway, I had such a wonderful time there. Each one of us has such a strong personality that makes it an absolute hoot when we are together. Don't even get me started on how amazing Ollie is. The influence that my entire family has had on her is just incredible. She knows what OCTAGONS are... Dude.. I didn't learn that until like the 10th grade. (okay, okay, I'm exaggerating a bit..) But seriously.. 2 years old? It's just amazing. I am so grateful that she has the relationship with each one of us that she does. My mom and sister teach her stuff all day long. It's brilliant. She can identify like 10 different kinds of birds by the type of song they sing. Anyway, I could go on and on about how special that little beauty is but there could never be enough words to explain it. I miss her. We had a great birthday party for my sister..Brad, Mammy, and I really pulled it together last minute. Later that night, Brad, Erica, and I went out dancing and I had an absolute blast. I just wish my mom would have felt better and been able to go because she would have loved the Motown band that was playing that night. Stupid Haley. :(

While I was there I had three things happen on the job front. 1.) I had a phone interview with the Clinton Office scheduling department, which I think went really well. 2.) Mary Steenburgen called me and said she may have a job lead for me in California. 3.) My mom's friend Carl, who is a musician has a great contact at Paradise Artists in Ojai, CA. All of these things could be good. Nothing has really felt right yet though. Until tonight, when my mom called me to tell me that there is an internship for 6 months waiting for me in Ghana. She has a friend that would hook me up with it. If I can draw California unemployment to pay for my monthly expenses (credit cards, car insurance, car payment, etc) then I think I will do it. It's the only thing that has sounded perfect so far. It's only 6 months which would put me back here in time for Effie to be born (the nickname Ollie has given to my future niece/nephew). I could spend 6 months in Ghana and come back to Augusta with my family just in time for that. I have been praying and praying for God and the Universe to send me the sign and the opportunity for the new direction of my life and I feel like this may be it. There's no way I would have taken off to Ghana if I would have had my boyfriend and my job. We shall see what happens. I would miss my cats like crazy but if my mom would take them, I'm sure they would establish a bond with her and be okay for a few months. When I was in Georgia, I was so worried about my cats, and the Michelle sent me a picture of them all cuddled up with her and Mowgli licking her face. Typical male--just trades me in for the next girl. haha. I was so grateful that she was loving on them though. They are way too social to be left alone for a week.

Okay onto another subject-- I'm finally getting used to not being in a relationship. It's weird, and it's not my first choice, but I'm definitely handling the situation beautifully if you ask me. I'm so much better at being with one person who I have a deep connection with rather than being alone and hanging around multiple people who half way get me. However, I'm learning that if you find that friend in yourself, you feel okay being being with just others who are just friends. That's refreshing at least.

Super random-- I looked up the top 10 songs from the year I was born and they were so funny and ironic.. one of my favorites on the list. "Every Rose Has its Thorns." haha...for anyone who may be reading that doesn't know my name...it's Brenna Rose...and yes I do have a thorn or two ;)

Okay off to hot tub.. Weeds comes on later tonight and I'm so excited about that!

Lesson of the day- love and appreciate your families.

Positivity

I want to be back in the light of positivity. I don't enjoy feeling this anger, resentment, and negativity. I am not generally a pessimistic person but gosh it's hard to find the optimism right now. I'm so angry because I thought I had life all figured out. I just made big decisions that I thought would be great long term. I don't want to make other big ones right now. I don't want to take the risk of losing it all again right now. I'm pulling a Lani and wanting God to make my decision for me. It's like I applied to positions all over the country hoping that one would open up where I am supposed to go..but my time is running out and it looks like I am going to have to simply call the shot. I have all these conflicting desires. I want NYC people and food, California weather, a great job, and to be near my family, especially when this baby is born. I'm so blessed that my problem is having too many options right now. If I move to Atlanta will I hate it? Will I be jeopardizing my career if I move back there now? Would it be a financially sound decision to just move in with my family and save money to pay down some debt or is that unrealistic because I'll likely always have some debt? If I stay in California, will I hate myself for being away from my family while they all relish in the goodness that is welcoming a new addition? I have never been at a place in my life where I have absolutely no clue what I want. Maybe a career in the music industry would be so fulfilling to me.. and that could be achieved in Atlanta.

I went to a movie premiere tonight at Grauman's Chinese Theater....Going the Distance. I sat 1 row behind Drew Barrymore. I got to watch her watch herself on the big screen. It was very neat experience. I got to see Justin Long, Jonah Hill, and many others in person. I even washed my hands next to Kate Beckinsale. I was really grateful to Erika and Arnold for taking me.


On a completely different note.. I HAVE to let go of this anger towards Paoli that has developed of late. It's not letting me move on.. for some reason it's keeping me back and just becoming a vicious cycle. Why do I just want to sit and fight with him? I don't have anything to prove. Neither does he. There is no point in it. We've learned what there is to learn from this whole experience... now all there is to do move forward only sending positive love each other's way. Dear God, please let me hold on to this. I feel it in this moment.. let me keep it.


Okay blah blah blah. I'm off to cuddle with my babies---I'm going to be worried about them while I'm gone. My Mowgles is such a sociable little butterfly. He's going to miss our cuddles.

Tonight..

Tonight.. I am overwhelmed with sadness. In this very moment.. all of my life feels wrong. I feel

BETRAYED

LIED TO

EMBARRASSED

TAKEN FOR GRANTED

UNAPPRECIATED 

LIKE A FOOL

HURT

The truth is.. I can only feel this way if I let myself. Why do I give a shit what people who don't truly love or care about me think at all? I should not care. I should not be embarrassed by what others say about me or the way I've been tossed around like a fucking volleyball. I know that each time I went in.. it was because I believed him with my whole heart. I just hate that bets were made on the fate of my heart and the fact that I'm just a practical joke to some.

I need to put back on the pair of glasses that I've been looking through for the past few weeks. The ones that shut out all of the shit. All of the negativity. All of the people who only want to be miserable and make others that way. The ones that shut out the lack of motivation of others and myself. The ones that only let me look forward. The ones that make me want to hop on the computer and make a list of all the reasons why I'm so lucky. Why was today so rough? Yes i lost my love and my job but it's so much better than so many other people have it. 

I am so grateful for:

My family

My cats

My friends who make me laugh

My friends who genuinely care

My Music

My belongings that make me happy

My sunshine

My health

My family's health

My college education

My heart

My motivation

My passion for life

My loyalty to others

My ability to move forward with my life carefully choosing the people who I let in it. 

Eminem keeps popping up in my head. "Life is no nintendo game." He's right. It's not. Even Mario only had like 3 lives. 

I just looked over and Mowgli was holding his head. He's obviously struggling tonight, too.

                        

My Queen

Oh my gosh, I've just realized I never even wrote a post about the Lady Gaga concert. Talk about a spiritual experience. It was one of the best nights of my life. David and I got to stand front row..and my mom and the other David bought tickets last minute and got to see the show. That made it all the better. I have nothing more to say other than Lady Gaga is my Queen.

   

"When it hits you feel no pain...."

While this post might sound like the ultimate cheese to some..I know there are a few who will understand. I can not put into words what music does to me. Unless one can personally experience this, they can not begin to understand. Last night, I went to the Dave Matthews concert again and as the vibrations were moving through every fiber of my body, I was trying to think how I could describe the sensation. I would reach up and feel my heart, only to feel the beat of the bass and drums pounding there. I got absolutely lost in it. I would watch their fingers strumming the guitars and the passion in their faces and I was just absolutely overcome with a sense of well being. Then I would close my eyes and feel like I was swimming in a substance (no this is not due to any mind-altering chemicals). I felt encased and safe by the vibrations. I think Erika felt it to some extent. She just kept touching me on the shoulder and saying "This is just magical. It's magical. It's like a blanket." And that it is.. it's like blanket that's warm and holding you tight. That is when I feel closest to God..when it's just me and the music. I feel like I'm in another place. That's where I will find my next soulmate...there in that place.

Holes

I have no idea what day it is at this point. In fact, I'm not sure I know what planet I'm on. My whole entire life has been flipped. I don't really understand it all. I feel like I'm living right. I feel like I'm treating my body, my brothers and sisters, and my planet with the love and care that a good Christian would. Why can't I follow a path that doesn't freaking fall apart on me every six months? I call this post Holes because that's what my life is filled with at this moment. Yes, I know "This too shall pass...." but right now, I'm hanging in mid air. So I lost my boyfriend... I was just readjusting to life without him and patching the HOLE that was in my heart. Then, I wake up for work Monday morning to a job that felt very secure..only to be sat down and fired. ME? FIRED?? Dude, I was employee of the year at my last job?!? Anyway, that explains the massive HOLE in my bank account. Lastly, the day that I got fired and the night before my mom went home.. we got in a huge fight. The blame is neither here nor there.. everything just got too overwhelming for both of us to deal with. She's going through a hard time herself. As a result.. there is a huge HOLE in my wall because I kicked the shit out of it. We got over it... and expressed to each other our feelings in a better way..which I wish it would have been all along. We are both really grateful that the cards that we have been dealt are much much better than some of the alternatives. So now..the search is for a new job. It's okay because I hated that one anyway.. it was really more of a pride issue. No more HYPOCHRISTIAN for a boss. :)

Day 10.. was yesterday I think?

It's weird how when you are with someone for so long how much they become a possession of sorts. I entertain the idea of someone else touching me and I think wait no.,, that's not just mine to pass around... Such a funny thing. I think about someone else touching Paoli and I don't really feel mad or sad.. I just feel like oh that's weird that someone else can just do whatever they want because it's been my possession for so long. It's kinda cute actually.. But I wonder what the average time for that to fade is. How does it work? Do you wait until those thoughts are completely gone to allow someone else in or do you allow someone else in in order to get over it? 

Well these are just some random thoughts as I am doing some facebook stalking while I wait on David to get his bags at the airport. I look at old pics of Paoli and I... I see him touching my side or hugging me... I can't imagine that if I wanted (which I really don't at this point) someone else to do those things.. It would actually be my choice. It has not been mine to give away for a very long time. Even when we were apart in the past, I didn't let my mind go there because I always knew he would come back... But this time I'm going there. I have to. There's no turning back. I was telling my mom that it's so different to not have that ONE person who knows you better than anyone else in the world. When thats gone, its just you and yourself who know you like that. I cried a bit but I'm feeling better now. 

I sat in on a drum circle/jam session today. It was interesting and allowed for me to enter a very meditative state. It was nice. Something I wouldn't really share with just anyone is the fact that it was a group of Christian boys... And something kind of weird happened during it. I thought I heard someone playing the flute. It was freaky.

I'm so excited. My mom went to Ikea and bought a bunch of stuff to complete my apartment today. It feels nice to make my home a little more mine. 

More randomness... I was thinking about much I can enjoy myself If I stay in the present. If I do not think about all the things that I had in the past that are gone... I can thoroughly enjoy myself. If I don't dwell on what I'm going to do about a partner in the future.. I feel wonderful. Doesn't that seem like such a simple concept? I've been doing really well wit it dayside. Haha, it's these damn dimly lit Italian restaurants playing frank Sinatra that are screwing me up.

Oh my word- I washed my car today for the first time in a long time and now the dent from my minor accident is shining so brightly! It hurts me every time I look at it. What a stupid move! Speaking of stupid move... I almost walked right through the screen door again today!! I'm trying to befriend my new neighbor so I'm always running out the door to see if it's him pulling up! haha. 

The only picture that I have for this post was the one I randomly took of my speedometer while I was waiting for David to come out of the airport.--Not too exciting.

Day 9

I don't even know what day it is. All I know is that I'm extremely annoyed at the moment. I'm doing my best to leave this as peaceful as I know how so that I can get past it with a friendship still in tact to be picked up later. I don't really want to be chatty cathy. All I really care to know at this point is if he is alive, fed and watered. Anymore than that is just too much for me to handle. I don't really know what it is in my mind that I'm picturing him doing in order to get through this so easily.. but I want to keep it that way. I don't mind the occasional text just to check in.. but I'm just not that other half of him anymore. Without committing to me as a partner, he just doesn't get all the benefits of having that. I feel like so many men want all the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility.. I wish them well.

Ughhh I just feel like screaming right now because this is all such stupid bullshit. I want to be so far on the other side of this. I don't want to have any romantic feelings towards him at all and right now they are fading each day, which is helping tremendously. As bad as I'd love to be able to talk to him as a friend right now, it only rekindles those little romantic flames in my head and butterflies in my stomach. Yuck. Why have those just to have them? I've kindly asked them to move out for at least 7-10 years.

I'm not going to play the little misunderstood girl anymore. I am going to find people and like them for what they are and accept them. Yeah, it's freaking great to have someone who knows you inside and out right by your side to share life with..but really Brenna? You really think that he is the only person who understands you?? No. That's not possible. Maybe he is the only person who will ever understand me in that way, but I'm sure there's someone else who will get me just as well, only in a different light. That makes sense in my head but I'm not sure if it does written down. Oh well.

Speaking of other people...last night was so funny. I went swimming with a group of people I have now coined "The Lonely Hearts Club." Haha! I met them all in the hot tub. I got to talkin' to a girl named Bonnie who just went through a divorce after a 17 year marriage. Ouch! She got out of it because he suffered from depression. She told me that he would have days where all he wanted to do was lock himself in and play video games. They are both 39...probably about time to throw those out. Anyway, he decided that his depression wasn't fair to do put her through anymore and he left her. She knows it's really the for the best. She told me the quote "Sometimes blessings come in shitty packages." Yes, they do. The other members of the club are Gia, an Israeli girl, her brother, Tal, a girl named Joseanne who has a 3 year old son, and Eric.. who I've yet to learn about. Although, I'm pretty sure that Eric was on some sort of pool date with Joseanne.. and he definitely asked me on a date right in front of her.. confused...I'm probably not interested but those pimpin' skills would sure make my brother proud. I was walking out of the pool and he said, "See ya next time..." And I was thinking, "um sure.." and then I get just passed the gate and he said, "Sunday at 5??" I just looked at my mom and laughed my ass off! I'm not ready to date but the attention never hurts a girl's self esteem.

I still lose sleep..unfortunately. Oddly enough, I'm losing sleep because I'm worrying if Paoli is sleeping alright. Love is such a silly thing. I keep having ridiculous dreams! I'm glad I've moved on from the Asian Gang dreams though... last night was funny rather than scary! Thank God!

Oh my wordddd I'm so excited! The Davids gets here tonight! Only 3 days til Gaga. I'm dressing up and it's going to be amazing!!! I dunno if I can get David to but I'm gonna give it hell. I went and got some more furniture because Weeds premieres soon and a few friends are going to start coming over every week to watch it! Mowgli is in love with his new chair--he and Violet are debating which one is whose?

Anyway, I feel so much better after writing this. I'm back to my center, back at peace, back to loving this life and appreciating all the weird cards it has dealt me.

and You..if you're reading this.. We'll find the friendship balance one day.. we will.. just not today.

Day 8

Today was pretty good, I reckon. My mom and I had a good brunch at The Sagebrush Cantina. We talked again about relationships because of course my mind is boggled by them right now. Of course, it's not something that I'm really concerned with for right now, but I do hope I find one in the future. I'm trying to get through my head that while every relationship will have its issues, the right one will not hurt so bad so many times. I wonder if this is a realistic approach. Am I sick for thinking that they don't get any better than that? I told my mom how weird I am about having sex with people and how I'm concerned about ever entering another relationship because of it.  I feel that since I am 22...when you date, there is this pressure to have sex pretty quickly into the relationship. I talked myself out of that because I guess I really don't have to do shit I don't want to. It's a very long way off from now but I'm sure if it will ever be right with someone else, I'll know. I also have these thoughts about how freaking skeptical of everyone and their words I'm going to be for a while. I do not think Paoli was ever lying to me when he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I think he truly did feel it but then time passed and he didn't feel it or he talked himself out of it for whatever reason. It just makes me a bit nervous to ever hear that from anyone again. Yeah they may mean it at the moment but oh how quickly it can change. Ughhhh. Anyway enough of the inner workings of my silly brain. None of that stuff really matters. What matters is I made it through today, which is all I'm trying to do about now. 

So....we did a bit more shopping after brunch and then headed down to Venice to meet my friends for volleyball. Finding parking sucked and we saw a homeless being way too rough with his poor dog, so that kind of ruined our moods for a little while. The sun, sand, and sailboats helped turn that around, though. We didn't get to play all that long but my mom took some fun pics of us! After volleyball we had  a great dinner and the best Blue Moon on tap I've ever had. 

My mom can't get used to the time difference... so she's asleep already and it's only 8:30. So...I'm off to watch some LA Ink and dream about all the tattoos that I want and shouldn't get. 

Nighty night.

Day 7

So day 7 was actually yesterday but I didn't get the opportunity to write... So I'll catch up now. It's safe to say I probably shouldn't be driving in this time of my distress... Haha! In the past week, under no influence of pills or alcohol, I have backed into a parked truck (the name of the person's truck, i shouldn't publish, it was a bit of a hit and oh shit!, drive off!); I literally pulled out making a right turn and clipped the corner of a man's leg. I would have killed he and his gay partner both had my mom not been in the car screaming STOP!! I drove probably 15 miles with the parking brake on, while getting out at every stop light to check and see if my tire was flat??? To top this all off, I completely lost the car last night after a day of shopping. We had to stop at every level of the parking garage and press the panic button to find it. 

Other than needing to have my license temporarily revoked, I'm doing alright. I had a great day with my mom yesterday. I got the cutest new clothes, laid by the pool, and had a wonderful dinner! I can't explain how much dessert I have had since this happened. It seems to help. In the dimly lit restaurant last night, the sadness set in. Mom and I were discussing how quick a whole life can change. I'll be feeling fine and then it all hits me how different my life is right now and will continue to be. I know a large part of it is just taking time to get used to. Right now, it feels shocking. She told me she was a little surprised at how well I was doing and that it still might not have really hit me... But I truly think the worst is over. Now it's only moments, maybe hours of sadness, when before it was weeks and days. 

Anyway, I picked up the David Sedaris book Naked yesterday. Ha, I love the way that sounds. Anyway, today is volleyball day and I'm taking my mom! Exciting! 

Love, love, love..... 

           

Day 6

Last night was absolutely horrible. I couldn't go to sleep because of all the anxiety. For the past couple of years, I have had some recurring breathing issues. That's been tripping me up lately, too. When I finally did get to sleep, I dreamt about some crazy people taking over some town I was in and trying to kidnap me for being in their territory. I made my escape when a couple of young guys passed in a horse-drawn carriage...they let me jump in the back. They took me to a hiding place and when the kidnappers found me, they were slicing my thumbs with knives. I woke up because it hurt. So it was not a very restful night of sleep. That bed feels so different now, although it still feels like mine. I was afraid I might not ever want to sleep in it again, but I'm beginning to feel like that will pass. It helps that my mom is here.

I had a really great day with my mom and one of her friend who happens to be visiting from Arkansas. We sat in the sunshine and laughed for hours. She's probably one of the funniest people I know. I'm so grateful to be somewhere where it's sunny most of the time. It's really helping with the optimistic and peaceful feelings I have about this situation. Unfortunately, every place still has night time and boy is it rough! It's amazing how when the sun sets, I can automatically feel the heaviness set in my chest. It seems like all of this stuff I've been telling this blog and telling my self is a little less true. The truth of the matter is...no this is NOT what I want, but it is what it is. I am not happier that this has happened, but I tried my darndest to change it. I fought with all I had, for as long as I could and the end result is still this. So I guess accepting is really all there is to do, and I'm slowly getting that. The Serenity Prayer is one that's coming to me often.

God, grant us the...

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

If that doesn't sum it up, I don't know what does. As difficult as night time is, the sun will rise and I will feel a little bit better than I did the day before. So here's to resting my eyes tonight and waking up a little stronger tomorrow.

Peace, Love and Acceptance... those are the themes today.

Day 5.. I think?

So lucky for me...my boss came home from her trip and my mom arrived tonight! I am so incredibly happy that I have the next four days off. We always have fun together and I'm in desperate need of that! I told my mom about the two extremely different feelings that I'm experiencing. On one hand, I want to keep completely to myself for a while and avoid men completely. On the other hand, I want to go on a mad rampage. I said, "I guess I can't decide if I want to be a slut or a nun." My mom said, "How about somewhere in the middle, Brenna? Like maybe a slun." I replied, "How about a Nut?" Haha. We laughed pretty hard. Good times. I love laughing.

I spent a lot of time today reminiscing with an old friend. It was refreshing. I went through a confusing time with this friend so, it was nice to kind of talk it all out. I also spent a few hours at home with my kitties. Mowgli is such a loyal little dude..he followed me EVERYWHERE! He was so happy to have me home. God, I am so grateful for my little kitty friends. They bring me so much happiness.

It was bittersweet; I finished Eat, Pray, Love. I can't explain how God-sent this book was. My friends are recommending books for me..the next one on my list is a suggestion from Rachel..Naked by David Sedaris. I'm excited. My friend Daryn says I should read Four Loves by C.S Lewis..so that's my plan as far as my next readings go! I'll keep you (whoever you may be) posted on how these books affect me!

Love and Peace to you.

Day 4 Continued..

It's not all rainbows and hummingbirds.. I do miss the shit out of my best friend.

Day 4

I know it's already Tuesday..but I forgot to mention the absolutely amazing lunch I had with my friend Shannon on Sunday. It was so nice. I talked to someone who could really understand what I was saying, drank an amazing mojito, and ate the best brownie sunday ever! We talked about how precious life was and how great it was to be able to appreciate that. We were talking about how people who have never dealt with death don't quite get it the same as people who have.

So I've been having many epiphanies since this whole thing happened. I'm just so confused by religion right now. If it was really used as it was intended, wouldn't this be a beautiful world. Every different religion would just be another way for a person to better themselves, which would in turn better the world. In Eat, Pray, Love, a major theme is how she sets out to help herself and ends up helping "tutti," which means "everyone" in Italian. What a beautiful thing! And so true!

Everything is starting to make sense now. I moved out to California with Paoli because God knew I wouldn't want to be here alone. It's like he got me all set up out here, got me comfortable and then said, "Okay, good job with Paoli. Now show me that you can do it alone." What a novel concept. Brenna. Just Brenna. Fully content with herself. I honestly can't believe how fast it's happening, but I think I'm starting to get there. Most of my life, I've been happy with me.. but I've been happy with me with someone else. I have spent so much time alone in the past two weeks and for the most part, have not only been okay, but actually happy. It's funny how when life gets tough, I become more grateful. I think, ouch, this hurts..but look at how great my life and the people in it are. I think about how strong I am. (Let me throw in here that the love and support of my family and a few close friends contributes a great, great deal to this strength.) I don't think I could have done this type of self-exploration in NYC. In fact, I know I couldn't. I am right where I am, in this sunshine, with a job where I do very little, so that I can sit by the pool, read Eat, Pray, Love, and love myself for a while. The Self is such an amazing thing. Since reading this book, I have turned to the inner me when I would have normally turned to Paoli. I tell myself, "you're great. you're beautiful. look at what you have accomplished." As Elizabeth Gilbert did, I find myself truly being a friend to me.

I think it was my grandma who said you could always go out in your backyard, take the hose and make your own rainbow. That quote hadn't occurred to me until today. For the past two weeks, I have been watering the plants with the hose. I always thought, "Wow, this is relaxing," but that's as far as it went. It wasn't until I was squatting down to spray the mud off the driveway, when a rainbow spread all the way across the giant fountain over water. I thought, "Check it out, grandma. I did make my own rainbow, even in the middle of the mud."

Before I could even press "publish" on this post.  I went outside to do something and I felt a buzzing in my ear. I went to swat it away because I thought it was a bee. (Now, if you don't know my mom and I, I'll tell you that we believe our loved ones who have passed come back and visit as birds. I just wrote on here yesterday about how I wish my grandparents were here. ) When I swatted and backed up.. it was  a hummingbird...in my ear!! I looked up and it flew to sit by another hummingbird there on a branch. On impulse I got my phone out and clicked the picture. So here she is... :) I'm balling my eyes out right now!

Day 3

Guess what today was? A day of no tears. I actually said a great prayer in the shower. I mostly thanked God for my strength and the support of my friends/family. It's times like these when you really, really appreciate all the good stuff ya do have. I also prayed that God and the Universe would send some peace and light Paoli's way. I'm grateful for all of the good times we shared, and for the love and understanding he gave me.. regardless of the fact that it was not eternal. Is anything? Two humans spending nearly a lifetime together seems nearly impossible to me.. but maybe that's just my current perspective. We are just constantly changing...I wonder if anyone knows the trick.

I was thinking today how much I wish my grandparents could see me. Well I know they can see me.. but I wish they could be here on Earth to see me. I know they'd be proud. That feels good, at least.

Today was a good day overall. I spent time with my kitties, made some awesome juice, and cleaned my house really well. I have spent a lot of time catching up with friends.. my first college roommate, my brother's ex girl who I love to death, my friend from my college classes..that's been really nice. Might I add that my friend David absolutely cracks me the hell up--we have some seriously disgusting conversations!!

Anyway, I'm not really feeling like blogging today. I'm too scattered brained!!

I want to go dancing!

Love to anyone who reads this...even if it's just myself :)

Day 2

I had a great day yesterday!! I played 4 games of volleyball in Venice Beach with a new group of people who are turning out to be really cool. I love how life throws good friends your way when you need them. It's like walking into that Spanish class after having just moved to Rogers, AR. Those friends saved my life and made my high school years. Anyway, I haven't been laughing too much in the past three weeks.. and that's a damn shame because it's such a wonderful thing. So last night, as I was playing poker with my 8 new friends..something happened that made me laugh til I nearly peed. So I decide to go all in on a hand that I was completely bullshitting on, and much to my surprise 2 people called me. So when I lost that round to the girl sitting two people to my left, I pushed all of my chips her way. A few moments later, the guy sitting directly to my left, says, "hey, um...where did my chips go?" AHHHHH! Evidently, I was tipsy off of my one beer and one mikes lemonade, and pushed all of both of our chips to the girl! We laughed and laughed and laughed!! I don't see myself living that one down anytime soon.

I had a very strange night last night. I went to sleep fine because I was exhausted but I woke up a few times in the middle of the night wondering where I was, what I was doing, why my life felt so different. It's so torturous to wake up in the middle of the night thinking that the whole thing was a bad night mare.

So since I've been housesitting, I have not been home since Paoli moved out. I walked in this morning feeling nice and tough. I told myself, "Brenna, crying will not make him come back. So stop it." I really didn't think that it would hurt so bad. I walked into the house and immediately felt the emptiness. I didn't cry, though. I knew he left a few belongings so I went to gather them up for him to come by and get. I had no desire to run across them later. I'm trying to rip the band aid off as quick as possible...quick in this case, has taken about 3 weeks! Eeek! Anyway, at this point, still no tears. I open up a folder of his papers and I see a slideshow I made him. I STILL didn't cry. I was so impressed with myself. And then, for some self-torturing reason, I decided to open up a letter which I had written him in the not too distant past. It spoke of how we had both done our soul searching and how forgiving and wonderful each of us had been. It listed all the reasons why we were meant for each other and why I was so lucky to have him. I wrote of the realness of our love and understanding. Word by word, my tears grew stronger. Referring back to my first entry, holy cow, there are a wide range of emotions involved in this. I called my mom and she comforted me a great deal. I took a shower and told myself what I've been telling myself over and over, "There's only looking forward." My mom told me that someday, and maybe not too far off, that I'll be able to look back at this relationship with joy and remember it fondly as just another chapter in my book.

So..I took a shower, cried because I had to, washed my hair, and dried my eyes. Mowgli says it's all going to be okay :)

Isn't it funny how if everyone on the sideline in your life could sit and call the plays, you could likely avoid any hurt. I mean what fun would that be because they wouldn't be your choices..but it's always so interesting to me to think about how much easier it is to look at someone else's situation and make the better choice but when you're in you're own shoes...it's all about what your heart and head truly   desire.