Dating 101

Okay so we meet.. at a bar.. through a friend..whatever the case may be.

Rule #1. Ask me for my phone number.. I'm not too picky. You can either come up with some cute little way of asking me..or just straightforward. Don't ask the mutual friend who introduced us or just add me on facebook.

Rule #2. After you get my phone number...do not text me to ask me out!

Need to rant..

Seriously, girls are the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen and men are just absolute ass holes. One of my exes likes to tell his new girlfriends how much they remind him of me. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???? If a male EVER, EVER, EVER said some dumb shit to me like that to me, I would have zero problem moving onto the next.

Paoli has so many pictures of us that show up on his facebook profile....not even just sweet innocent, possibly-friend-looking pictures... no..ones of us kissing, holding each other, laying in bed, making out, nose to nose....and seriously bitch was dumb enough to date him regardless of that fact.

I know that what people think shouldn't really matter but the reality of it is... it does not feel good to look like a fucking idiot to other people. That's part of being a female that I struggle with. I don't really, really value people's personal opinions but I know the way I look at girls who are super confident with their men and say stuff like "Oh no, he would never do this to me... or that to me... or cheat on me." Meanwhile, they are off fucking everything with legs. That's just embarrassing.. That's why I would rather just be skeptical and know that if I am with a man, there's a pretty good chance that he is or has fucked around on me..and it's better not to act so confident and secure about it.... because everyone who knows the truth will be laughing in your face.

I did something yesterday that could have possibly offended his new girl....and he cared...because evidently he just told her that he didn't want to talk to her anymore.  I'm sorry---I know I don't know you, girl.... but GET THE FUCK OVER IT. If a guy who I was talking to for two months quit talking to me.. I wouldn't even fucking blink. 2 months??? Please... honey... you have not even scratched the surface. You have no idea what lays behind the pretty brown eyes and charming way with words.

Anyway, okay---I think I finally feel cleansed.

A relapse

I guess this is most comparable to a heroin addict who quit cold turkey and has been easily bouncing along through life sober. I have been doing so wonderful, feeling great about everything, putting such a positive spin on even the shittiest of situations. I've been handing out great advice to my friends and truly following my own advice.

Until now...Today, Paoli (in a way that I won't mention) basically handed me the syringe. Once I had one little taste of the high (in my case, the pain), it was a downward spiral from there. At first it was bittersweet and kind of lovely...and then it grew more and more intense until I have spun into a near psychotic episode. I just want to keep hurting myself. I keep looking at the pictures, checking out the new girl he's dating on facebook, listening to painful songs, etc. I don't want to be sad... but maybe I do....maybe I like the way it hurts. That's why Love the Way You Lie is so freaking real. You get addicted to the high's and low's. My life is rather level right now and I don't know how to cope. So today when I was offered a source of a high, I jumped on it. I spun completely out of control and started behaving completely out of character. At least, I hope this isn't my character. If it is, it's a part of me, I've been dying to change for years. I can't wait until I have health insurance. I need to see someone about this. Maybe there are some techniques/exercises other than the ones I already use to avoid self sabotaging.

I am SERIOUSLY self aware...I know that I am 100% in love with Paoli and have been for years. I know all the shit that I'm supposed to do to help me heal from it. I know all of the things I shouldn't do.. and I have to pat myself on the back because for the most part, I don't do those things. I'm so pissed at myself for relapsing. I know better than to waste my time with such negative energy/thoughts/behavior.

I find myself wanting to do some crazy shit when I get into a spin like this. Even my best prayers, meditation, exercises, forms of escapism....can't seem to give me peace when I get to this point.

I have to admit that writing this has helped a little bit. I've been talking to friends about it.. and saying it out loud has helped a little...but it's much better when I can put it on paper.. or on screen.. ;)... I can look at it and say.. this is what this is.. and it must be addressed.

I just feel so angry deep inside. I feel like Fuck you.. fuck you for running over me again and again and again. Fuck you for being selfish. Fuck you for tricking yourself and me. Fuck you for being so inconsiderate. Fuck you for not appreciating my value in a relationship. This sounds a little stuck up but I know I'm not the problem. I don't have a doubt that I can find a guy to deal with me.. I have doubts that I can find someone who I want to give my time and energy to. Everyone seems so unworthy to me.

I put Paoli on a pedestal for so many fucking years...and even he doesn't get it 100%.

Anyway- this post has been so much rambling. I am going to play poker with my friends now. I will laugh. I will feel grateful instead of sad. I will be optimistic. I will forgive. I will let go.

From Deep Within...

Looking back = no bueno

I have figured out that looking back does me so much damage. I am so strong and completely fine as long as I stay in the present... the trips down memory lane just tear me to pieces. I can't wait until I can look back, smile and move on. I just came across a few pictures of Paoli and I. It could my mind back to a kind of happiness that I can't really get anywhere else. There's really no reason to sit and long for the past. It seems like such a simple concept but truly...why on Earth spend anytime at all wishing you could rewind time? NEWSFLASH--- it CAN'T be done! so get over it.. and spend the time and energy on the future and  the positive.

Blogging Deprived

I cannot believe I've let so much time pass. I'm finally starting to get into a little routine so I will weave blogging back into it somewhere. I can tell you that it likely won't happen during the week.. My Monday thru Fridays are insanely packed with work, feeding myself, and resting for the next day's work. I have to say... I'm extremely grateful for my job. Although, I don't make near enough money..  I'm learning a ton, I am surrounded by great people, and I think it's a wonderful opportunity. It's so nice to be back in a professional (not stuffy) environment. I am thoroughly enjoying the systems, the policies, the structures and the logic that my last job was seriously lacking. So here I am all settled into my life as the typical Hollywood Assistant. It's hysterically cliche. There's a book called The Hollywood Assistant's Handbook and it's so literally dead on!! While this life is exactly what I wanted.. there's one thing missing.. my family. I will have very little time to go visit them for a while and it's breaking my heart. I miss my entire family terribly. This week has been a struggle with missing those who I have a particularly strong bond with. Paoli is one of those that I've considered family for so long... so when I say I'm missing my family.. he's included. It's hard to go through transitions and milestones without that person you'd always imagined being there. I'm coping magnificently, if I must say so myself. It's not even a romantic relationship that I'm really missing right now. I don't feel a need for that in my life right now...I miss the true friendship - the real friendship. I do love my friends here. Erika and Crystal have been real life savers.. but there is nothing comparable to a  friendship that comes from sharing everything so intimately for 7 years.

Another interesting aspect of my life is the spiritual one---I've recently started getting into this movement call MSIA (Movement for Spiritual Inner Awareness). They have these peace gardens that i've only been to once but I'm really wanting to go back! They are so relaxing.

Speaking of relaxing, in the very little spare time that I have these days, I've been reading this book that Ariel sent me called "Eating Animals." Thus far... it's pretty interesting. I will keep you posted if I recommend it as a must-read.

Anyway-- I'm actually at work now.. so must get back to busy.. shhhhh!!!

Live for the moments...

So much has changed since I've last written. It's a shame I haven't been writing because I've experienced some really interesting thought processes recently. I haven't been able to sit down with time for myself because luckily mom is in town helping me move. I'm officially out of my Calabasas Apartment and into my Sherman Oaks studio. I'm totally in love with it. It's so much closer to everything, my mom helped me decorate it adorably, and all of my neighbors are really very nice. I've had a few very important interviews in the past week and I'm excited to tell the story. I applied to a receptionist position from craigslist to a PR Firm called Fifteen Minutes. I had no idea what it was I just sent my resume in because I was desperately seeking anything full time! To my surprise, they called me. I did my research on the company and became very excited! I went in and interviewed with the controller and speaking with her was an absolute pleasure. She really liked me as well and immediately sent me over to meet with the COO. I left the office feeling really confident. Before I even got to my car, they called me to set up an interview with the CEO. I met with him on Wednesday and they called me Thursday to tell me that I was overqualified for the receptionist position. Instead they offer me the position of Assistant to the CEO. I am so excited!!!! It's such a great opportunity and I really think it will work out beautifully. I will be sending in the signed offer letter on Monday morning and likely starting work next week. I'm very nervous but feeling up to the challenge.

So that's the job front....the social/love/sex life has been rather interesting. As I said before my mom's been in town for over a week so it's pretty much been she and I working hard to get me into my new place but we've also had time for some fun! We went to The Happy Together Tour and hung out with her friends from the band. It was great! The hotel where we stayed happened to be having a beauty pageant so I got tipsy and went and watched. It was so disgusting. They are just absolutely molding those children to be superficial bitches. Mom and I then bought a tiara and joked about it all night! We had so much fun. We then decided to buy tickets to see Michael McDonald, Boz Scaggs, and Donald Fagen at the Greek Theatre. What a show!?!?

The guy who I was slightly dating (hanging out 5 times in 2 weeks.. I call that dating) and I have slightly "fizzled out" as Erika would say. We haven't really been talking too much. We send each other the occasional flirty/slutty text but that relationship is largely physical and we both know it. It's okay because I truly do believe I am fine with that. I've never really had a casual thing like this but it's fun. We're definitely going nowhere.. that's for sure. On the other hand.. there's this guy who I had a massive crush on my freshman year of college who I never really got to know back then. We've been in touch lately and it's been super fun. He's actually flying out to check out LA in a couple weeks and he's going to stay with me. I'm excited about that. I'm definitely and temporarily enjoying the slightly superficial relationships because I have so much other stuff to focus on right now that anything to heavy has no place in my life. I do have to admit I miss Paoli pretty bad sometimes. I've figured out that I'm absolutely fine if I just don't allow myself to go there in my head. It's when I start dwelling on it that I start to get evil thoughts. When I get real with myself and say, "Brenna, it's fucking over. It's been over. Get over it"....believe it or not, it helps. It's tough love with myself but it's necessary.


Anyway, I'm embracing every good moment in life right now. I'm trying not to think too far ahead of each moment so that I can really be in it. If you are reading this, I recommend trying it. I really put this into practice the other day when my mom and I went for a run on a gorgeous trail and I was initially thinking, "okay, we can't do this for long, we need to move this and that, and shop for this and go here and there, etc, etc, etc." I looked around at all the beauty and I said, "Brenna, you are missing this moment. You are here, but you're not really." I finally understand this concept of bringing yourself back to the "center" if you will. When you are doing something enjoyable, take a minute. Look around, take deep breaths, smell, observe your environment and the people in it. Really try to feel and remember, because those little moments of joy are what will get you through the less enjoyable times. The better you can recall them, the better you will be.

 
 

Dog Days Are Over

Today was a lovely day! I woke up early and talked to Kresh(one of my best guy friends) about silly dating stuff. He has some hilarious advice on this because he has pulled so many of these moves. It had me absolutely cracking up. I think that's what's fun about dating. If you are not desperately seeking a serious relationship, you can have fun getting to know people and laugh at the stunts and games that people try to pull and play.

I talked to Barbara and got a completely opposing and female perspective on the whole situation. I ended up taking Barbara into consideration but following my mom and Kresh's advice.. sorta. haha. They suggest I ignore this boy I'm slightly seeing...but instead I decided to start totally treating him like a piece of meat which threw him off just as much.

So that was this morning.. I then had a great lunch date with this guy who one of my friends put me in touch with. It was more of a networking/job opportunity meeting but I think we could really be great friends. He's 29, very cute, and extremely sweet. He took me up to his office and introduced to me to everyone. He has a seriously interesting job and great co-workers. We ate Panera and talked about everything from relationships, to living in NYC, to possible job opportunities. It was very refreshing.

I got home from lunch, finished up The Lady Eve, and took a lovely afternoon nap with my kitties. I then had the best/most hilarious skype date with Rachel(one of my best girlfriends who lives in Wisconsin now). We cooked our dinners, drank way too much wine, and talked on skype for about 4 hours. By the end of the conversation, we were both acting ridiculous. I'm so grateful for her. She is in a situation right now that I have been in before. It's not exactly a pleasant one, and it's hard for me to advise her because I don't actually want her to make the same mistake that I did.. but at the same time I don't know if the feelings that she has will simply pass. I just keep trying to make sure I present both ends of the spectrum to her and leave the decision up to her.

My mom is coming tomorrow!!!! I'm so ecstatic about it. I'm really grateful that she is coming to help me move. Inevitably, we are going to have fun while she is here, but most importantly I could use her good eye and mind for making the most of my new space!!

Paoli sent me some very sweet/encouraging texts today. I love him so much as a person. I always will. I cherish all of the memories, self esteem, and lessons I gained from him. I so wish him happiness.

I have to say how extremely, insanely, amazing Florence + The Machine is/are (not sure which one that would be... haha) I completely rocked out to them all the way to and from Santa Monica. I was so completely in it. I can put her songs on and just dance all around my car or apartment and feel so high! Did I mention a time or two that I freaking love music!!!! They make for an absolutely excellent playlist on pandora. I was also really feeling A Tribe Called Quest, Tupac, Ice Cube, Kate Nash, and Lily Allen today. Random, I know. It's how I roll.

Dog Days....

I love everyone in my life so much. Thank you God for all of the characters in my book.

The Dating World

is sooo ridiculous. the great part about it is there is very little emotion invested so whatever games are played are more comical than anything else.

so cheers to being completely single...

last night i made myself tacos, bought this lovely little bottle of wine, and indulged in some great movies and music videos..

dancing bull.. suits me perfect... i am a dancing little taurus after all

here's a song that left me feeling happy

Kate Nash- Merry Happy

More Changes

So it's clearly been too long since I've written a post. I keep having these ideas, thoughts,  and what I like to think is insightful information that I need to write down but I have been a busy, busy bee! Being single has driven me to the arms and ears of so many friends which is very very refreshing. I spend hours a week now talking to my female friends..those who live close and those who don't. My voice has been gone for 2 weeks and I thought it was from staying up all night every night but maybe it's from talking too damn much.

 I had a great conversation with one of my friends about how interesting this point in life is. The point where nothing is predetermined..there's no black and white or right and wrong per say. No parent is telling you "go to school, get good grades, pick a college, graduate from college." There is just a world of options and decisions to be made. Yes, some decisions are easier than others. Those others are the kickers. Sometimes there's no way of knowing how something might turn out but you just have to go for it. The only comfort you can fall back on if the chosen path turns out shitty, is that it was your decision and you wanted it at some point. I am really grateful to say that although a few of my decisions might not have been the absolute best, they were mine and there's something nice about that.

Speaking of big decisions, I have finally reached a temporary conclusion to the "where to live" battle. I have decided to stay in California 6 more months. I just moved here and am really starting to embrace it. The truth is, as much as I want to be near my family, I'm not quite ready to leave here. The industry is here and I feel that I should be  doing my darndest to break my way in. If by the end of my 6 months, I have hit a dead end, then I will move to Atlanta to be near my family when the baby is born. My apartment is really cute. It's a studio in Sherman Oaks which is much closer to everything. Another beautiful thing.. it will be half the rent of my current place. My mom's coming out to help me move and I am ever so grateful for that! I do not feel sad or emotional about leaving my place for the most part because I'm excited to start my own new chapter with a new focus. A focus on my career and volunteering. The only thing I'm dreading is peeling off the wall decal of the tree and leaves in my bedroom. That's a seriously fond memory to me and peeling those lil bitches off one at a time is going to be rather painful. I can just see it now.. as I peel each one "He loves me... he loves me not." Haha.

As far as the job hunt goes...I went on an interview but realized the pay would be lesser than my unemployment amount so I figure I'll skip that one. It also wasn't in the industry I want to work in so I am just considering it a practice interview. I did pretty well. I felt very comfortable, confident, and articulate. I've met a few really great contacts who've said that they will keep their eyes out for something. I have a lunch meeting with someone who works in production tomorrow just to get to know each other. LA is all about networking. After the appropriate facebook stalkage, I see that this guy is pretty cute too so that could be fun.

This is David...He has named me PeeWee.

California Wind in my hair!

Up and Down, Back and Forth...The Roller coaster called Life

So I've decided to move into an apartment with my friend Lorena. It turns out we are both looking for a place and we have decided to join forces. I'm really excited because she seems to be really cool about my cats and everything which was my number one concern with having a roommate. She even came over and Violet flipped over in her lap. I looked at a really cute apartment today for a very reasonable price in Hollywood. It has a completely different feel than my current apartment does, but I liked it.

Paoli has driven an extreme amount in the last two days..last time I spoke to him he was almost to Louisiana. Yesterday afternoon, he was in this LA. He called me struggling today. It hurt to hear him so sad. He called me later with a much better attitude and this made me happy. I talked to him for a really long time though...and when we got off the phone, it hit me. I miss him. I shed a few tears..prayed for strength and am now turning on an old movie. It's so lovely to talk to him because he really truly gets me.. but it's equally as frustrating because it would be nice to have that in a life partner. I'm grateful that I'll always have him as a best friend, but it will just take some adjusting. I'm just happy to have experienced that sort of bond and understanding in this lifetime at all because I think it's pretty safe to say that plenty of people don't.

There's a great quote by Diana Ross that I think of a lot when I cry.. "I cry not for myself, but for those who've never felt the joy we've felt."

The End and The Beginning

So I've felt slightly void of real emotions lately. It's been refreshing. I wouldn't want to spend my whole life like this but it's a good defense mechanism for the moment. I understand what Paoli means when he says he's been too caught up in feeling. We were just never able to find the balance. In my last post, I was pissed because he hadn't arrived when he said the would that night. He finally did though.. and he apologized for his lateness. It turned out to be a really lovely night of conversation. It's times like those when I realize just how special our bond is. It's a not a bond that needs to be forced into something with restrictions, like a relationship. It does not need a label because no words can do it justice.

After a lovely night of conversation we got in a huge fight the next morning over something very silly. He was supposed to spend that whole day and another night...but he left right away. I guess that was good in the end. We didn't need to spend anymore time in this house remembering how lovely it is to hold and kiss each other. It's almost like it had to happen to provide some sort of a clean break. It also taught me one last lesson from the relationship which I won't publish.

That was Thursday morning. We talked later that day about how much of a FAIL that was. We rejoined Friday evening for a last dinner together at our favorite Thai place. We hugged and kissed and made plans to hang out one last time on Sunday night. He told me he would spend the night and leave early Monday morning. Today was Sunday..I got a call from a very sad Paoli at 1:00pm. He thought better of spending one more night with me and left for Miami leaving our Thai dinner as our final goodbye. I guess it's better that way. I so hope he finds happiness. I hope we both do.

I keep reiterating that this has given me such strength and power within myself. I think I really mean it. Every time I start to feel down, I say a prayer in gratitude for the wonderful aspects of my life and I pray for strength and direction moving forward. It helps tremendously. When that heaviness sets in my chest, I just pray for God to lift it and to help me dedicate my energy to more positive things.

For the first time I've moved on in a way that I've never moved on before. Not in 7 years. I feel slightly excited about being forced out of the comfort zone of Paoli and I's relationship. It's forcing to me to meet new people and experience new things. Change can be good if you embrace it.

 I've decided to stay in LA. I moved out here to pursue my dream of working in film..why would I leave so soon? I have decided to give it my all to stay out here. I am also really starting to value my friendships with my female friends and it's a part of my life I've been missing for a long time. This is absolutely not intended to minimize my friendships with my best friends who live far away (Rachel, Barbara, etc). I have spent so much time laughing and crying on the phone with Rachel lately. I'm so grateful for her.

Hollywood Blvd Saturday, September 11, 2010

Anyway.. back to staying in LA. I have two plans of action..I will either collect unemployment and take 2 part time gigs that pay off the books or I will get a job in time. I plan on extending my stay in my current apartment until October 15th so that I have time to secure an apartment and a job. If by October 15th I don't have a secured apartment and source of income, I'll move to Georgia with my fam.

Pause-- I'm watching Lady Gaga on the VMA's... I just teared up. I love her. She's so incredibly passionate about what she does. It's amazing.

I have three songs to dedicate tonight...one to say, Technically...It's over. Another to say, I'll always be there. Lastly to say, Beat inside me forever.

A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover

Kings of Leon- On Call

Sia- My Love

I mean every word of My Love. That song is so incredibly powerful.

Super Annoyed....

So Paoli was coming over tonight after work to spend some time before he goes to Miami. I've been asleep but just woke up because I have a totally messed up sleeping pattern at the moment. It's 1:43am...the last thing I heard was at 11:45pm- "I'm running late at work. I'll call you when I leave." I'm not sure what that's about but, in any case, it's not cool. I actually got a great offer for other plans tonight and turned that person down because I already told Paoli he could come over tonight. I hate when time is not appreciated. Not only in my personal life, but in my professional life as well. It's always been a huge matter of respect to me. So I've actually discovered something I'm looking forward to enjoying about a single life. I don't want to have that feeling in my gut about not knowing where someone is or why they are not answering their phone. If I don't give a shit where you are...I will be incapable of having that feeling. Can't wait.

Anyway, I'm now annoyed and bitter so I'm off to listen to this freaking great Arcade Fire Pandora channel.

Sweet Dreams Indeed.

Focus Dude....

So let's just say I have pretty much managed to turn this frown upside down. :) I've had the best weekend/start of the week. Friday night I hung out with Paoli just to spend a little time before he leaves for Miami. That was nice. Saturday we played volleyball forever! It was so much fun. Straight from volleyball I hit the gay bars with Maria and Amir. It was a pretty fun night. I randomly bumped into this guy who I met at the Gaga concert. We talked for a bit so that was really cool. I didn't get home until 4am after going out that night. Sunday was also absolutely fantastic. I went out with the whole gang to a fun little karaoke bar. We didn't actually get to sing the songs that we wanted to because the bar closed before they got to our names on the list. We went and had Denny's at 3am or so and I ended up getting home around 4 that night too! Who knew I could still hang?! haha. I'm surprising myself. So this brings me to Monday..the best day of them all. Crystal, Erika, and I didn't sleep much that night so we just lounged around all day at our own houses... about 2:30 we all got on the phone and decided that we couldn't let labor day go uncelebrated. We each went to the store grabbed a dish and met up at my pool. Erika and Crystal frequently pull out some great one-liners. I'm not sure why it made me giggle so much but Erika showed up with a vitamin water for me that said Focus on it.. She said "I got this for you so you can focus on yourself and not Paoli." I loved that. Little did I know that focus water was magical :) We ate our food by the pool, drank our gluten free ciders and iced tea in the hot tub and then headed back to my house. Last minute, we get a call from Erika's friend Dean who she has been wanting to introduce me to....for no other reason than I get along really well with guys and he happens to be a very laid back, cool dude. There's not a person that Erika has introduced me to that I didn't love. She's pretty great at that. So we all got ready to go and headed to his house for some drinks. We were planning on it being a very chill, relaxed, and early night. It was everything but that. Dean has the most adorable, warm, homey apartment ever. It has a beautiful view of all of Hollywood. He was a great host. Being that he's a bartender, he made us some lovely drinks which definitely contributed to the fun. After lots and lots of talking, we all decided to head up to the hot tub..Erika proceeded to strip down to her panties and jump in the cold pool! It was pretty darn hilarious. After a nice soak in the rooftop hot tub, we all got the hankerin' to play shuffle board...so off we went to the nearest bar that had it. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! Dean and I played game after game against Arnold, Erika, and Crystal. We kept beating them and then finally realized in the end that we had been totally keeping score wrong! Luckily, Arnold was our designated driver so the rest of us got beyond wasted. So...anyway..again we shut the bar down and headed home. The rest is history :)

Cheers to new friends and many more good times with them!

Frosting My Cake

So my mom just put everything into perspective! She said let's look at what you really just did... got; to graduate school early, to add Gil Netter to your resume, six months to play on a California beach, severance pay to move across the country, six months unemployment money to play with Ollie while Effie is on her way and six months to search for the job I really want.  This really is beautiful..I can take my time and decide what I really want to do. There's no need to settle for a full time job that I don't want to work right now.

Thank you Lani.

Halleluyah!

Brenna

A thought...

It just dawned on me that I may never find the man of my dreams and marry him in this lifetime....the point is to learn to love the rest of life so much that I'm just as fulfilled even if I don't. Although, I think deep down inside I'll always be hoping for it. I have too much love to give and if I don't find a proper outlet for it, I'll never be complete.

Dear You

Dear You,

When you come along, I want to be the strongest me I can be. I want to be tough and independent with a heart inside that's secretly dying to love again. I want you to be able to see that and want that heart so bad that you'd do anything. I want you to romance me like they do in the movies until my heart finally allows you to come in. After you've won your way in, I want to be the strongest partnership that ever existed. I don't want it to be me and you against the world. I want it to be me and you enjoying this world, relishing in each other and all that this life has to offer. I want to KNOW you, inside and out and I want to spend as much time as it takes getting there. I want you to be so head over heels in love with me that letting me go would never enter your mind. I have so much love to give you someday. You'll see..when I love, I love with all of me. I want to scratch your back, gently touch your face until you fall asleep, hold your hand wherever we go, and attempt to cook you meals. I want you to dance. I want to dance with you in the club knowing that it's each other we get to drag home that night. I want to have the confidence and the security in you so that I never behave in a controlling or jealous fashion. I want to know that you're so crazy about me, there would be no reason for you to look elsewhere. I want to feel secure enough with you to explore our sexuality. I never want to stop learning about my body, your body, and what they can do together. I want you to propose to me and know 100% that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I want us to promise to each other, to God, and our family/friends that the commitment we are making is exactly what our vows state; til death. I know you'll have your flaws, I know I will too. I know we'll mess up, but we will make it through. I don't want you to leave me whenever you're unsure, I want you to fight for it, pray for it, and try everything humanly possible before you break that promise. I want you to want to have a child with me and adopt a child with me. I want you to enjoy volunteering and encourage me to do so. I want you to accept, love and embrace my family because they are a part of me. I want you to be able to get so lost in music with me. I want you to be you and I will love you for that. I want you to let me boss you around on occasion, not because you are weak, but because you know I get a kick out of it. I want to give you the pleasure of knowing that I will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be there. I want you to know that you have a best friend, another half, who understands you, even when know one else can. Lastly, if I ever really do find you...I want you to appreciate that a bond/connection/chemistry/love that's real doesn't happen everyday. I hope you'll hold on for dear life.

Family

So a lot has happened since my last post. I went to the beach with Erika and Crystal last week and it was such a lovely time. August has been an extremely transitional month for so many people that I know, including the three of us. Life really is a book, and as long as you can appreciate each transition as a new chapter, it's a much more enjoyable ride.

I just went to Augusta for my sister's 26th birthday! It was absolutely amazing. I thank God a million times a day for my family. There are two things in my life that have been constant; change and family. Not everyone has that luxury of having a family who WILL be there. There is an absolutely amazing bond that we all have. The only fights we have come out of the overprotectiveness that we have over each other. Anyway, I had such a wonderful time there. Each one of us has such a strong personality that makes it an absolute hoot when we are together. Don't even get me started on how amazing Ollie is. The influence that my entire family has had on her is just incredible. She knows what OCTAGONS are... Dude.. I didn't learn that until like the 10th grade. (okay, okay, I'm exaggerating a bit..) But seriously.. 2 years old? It's just amazing. I am so grateful that she has the relationship with each one of us that she does. My mom and sister teach her stuff all day long. It's brilliant. She can identify like 10 different kinds of birds by the type of song they sing. Anyway, I could go on and on about how special that little beauty is but there could never be enough words to explain it. I miss her. We had a great birthday party for my sister..Brad, Mammy, and I really pulled it together last minute. Later that night, Brad, Erica, and I went out dancing and I had an absolute blast. I just wish my mom would have felt better and been able to go because she would have loved the Motown band that was playing that night. Stupid Haley. :(

While I was there I had three things happen on the job front. 1.) I had a phone interview with the Clinton Office scheduling department, which I think went really well. 2.) Mary Steenburgen called me and said she may have a job lead for me in California. 3.) My mom's friend Carl, who is a musician has a great contact at Paradise Artists in Ojai, CA. All of these things could be good. Nothing has really felt right yet though. Until tonight, when my mom called me to tell me that there is an internship for 6 months waiting for me in Ghana. She has a friend that would hook me up with it. If I can draw California unemployment to pay for my monthly expenses (credit cards, car insurance, car payment, etc) then I think I will do it. It's the only thing that has sounded perfect so far. It's only 6 months which would put me back here in time for Effie to be born (the nickname Ollie has given to my future niece/nephew). I could spend 6 months in Ghana and come back to Augusta with my family just in time for that. I have been praying and praying for God and the Universe to send me the sign and the opportunity for the new direction of my life and I feel like this may be it. There's no way I would have taken off to Ghana if I would have had my boyfriend and my job. We shall see what happens. I would miss my cats like crazy but if my mom would take them, I'm sure they would establish a bond with her and be okay for a few months. When I was in Georgia, I was so worried about my cats, and the Michelle sent me a picture of them all cuddled up with her and Mowgli licking her face. Typical male--just trades me in for the next girl. haha. I was so grateful that she was loving on them though. They are way too social to be left alone for a week.

Okay onto another subject-- I'm finally getting used to not being in a relationship. It's weird, and it's not my first choice, but I'm definitely handling the situation beautifully if you ask me. I'm so much better at being with one person who I have a deep connection with rather than being alone and hanging around multiple people who half way get me. However, I'm learning that if you find that friend in yourself, you feel okay being being with just others who are just friends. That's refreshing at least.

Super random-- I looked up the top 10 songs from the year I was born and they were so funny and ironic.. one of my favorites on the list. "Every Rose Has its Thorns." haha...for anyone who may be reading that doesn't know my name...it's Brenna Rose...and yes I do have a thorn or two ;)

Okay off to hot tub.. Weeds comes on later tonight and I'm so excited about that!

Lesson of the day- love and appreciate your families.

Positivity

I want to be back in the light of positivity. I don't enjoy feeling this anger, resentment, and negativity. I am not generally a pessimistic person but gosh it's hard to find the optimism right now. I'm so angry because I thought I had life all figured out. I just made big decisions that I thought would be great long term. I don't want to make other big ones right now. I don't want to take the risk of losing it all again right now. I'm pulling a Lani and wanting God to make my decision for me. It's like I applied to positions all over the country hoping that one would open up where I am supposed to go..but my time is running out and it looks like I am going to have to simply call the shot. I have all these conflicting desires. I want NYC people and food, California weather, a great job, and to be near my family, especially when this baby is born. I'm so blessed that my problem is having too many options right now. If I move to Atlanta will I hate it? Will I be jeopardizing my career if I move back there now? Would it be a financially sound decision to just move in with my family and save money to pay down some debt or is that unrealistic because I'll likely always have some debt? If I stay in California, will I hate myself for being away from my family while they all relish in the goodness that is welcoming a new addition? I have never been at a place in my life where I have absolutely no clue what I want. Maybe a career in the music industry would be so fulfilling to me.. and that could be achieved in Atlanta.

I went to a movie premiere tonight at Grauman's Chinese Theater....Going the Distance. I sat 1 row behind Drew Barrymore. I got to watch her watch herself on the big screen. It was very neat experience. I got to see Justin Long, Jonah Hill, and many others in person. I even washed my hands next to Kate Beckinsale. I was really grateful to Erika and Arnold for taking me.


On a completely different note.. I HAVE to let go of this anger towards Paoli that has developed of late. It's not letting me move on.. for some reason it's keeping me back and just becoming a vicious cycle. Why do I just want to sit and fight with him? I don't have anything to prove. Neither does he. There is no point in it. We've learned what there is to learn from this whole experience... now all there is to do move forward only sending positive love each other's way. Dear God, please let me hold on to this. I feel it in this moment.. let me keep it.


Okay blah blah blah. I'm off to cuddle with my babies---I'm going to be worried about them while I'm gone. My Mowgles is such a sociable little butterfly. He's going to miss our cuddles.

Tonight..

Tonight.. I am overwhelmed with sadness. In this very moment.. all of my life feels wrong. I feel

BETRAYED

LIED TO

EMBARRASSED

TAKEN FOR GRANTED

UNAPPRECIATED 

LIKE A FOOL

HURT

The truth is.. I can only feel this way if I let myself. Why do I give a shit what people who don't truly love or care about me think at all? I should not care. I should not be embarrassed by what others say about me or the way I've been tossed around like a fucking volleyball. I know that each time I went in.. it was because I believed him with my whole heart. I just hate that bets were made on the fate of my heart and the fact that I'm just a practical joke to some.

I need to put back on the pair of glasses that I've been looking through for the past few weeks. The ones that shut out all of the shit. All of the negativity. All of the people who only want to be miserable and make others that way. The ones that shut out the lack of motivation of others and myself. The ones that only let me look forward. The ones that make me want to hop on the computer and make a list of all the reasons why I'm so lucky. Why was today so rough? Yes i lost my love and my job but it's so much better than so many other people have it. 

I am so grateful for:

My family

My cats

My friends who make me laugh

My friends who genuinely care

My Music

My belongings that make me happy

My sunshine

My health

My family's health

My college education

My heart

My motivation

My passion for life

My loyalty to others

My ability to move forward with my life carefully choosing the people who I let in it. 

Eminem keeps popping up in my head. "Life is no nintendo game." He's right. It's not. Even Mario only had like 3 lives. 

I just looked over and Mowgli was holding his head. He's obviously struggling tonight, too.

                        

My Queen

Oh my gosh, I've just realized I never even wrote a post about the Lady Gaga concert. Talk about a spiritual experience. It was one of the best nights of my life. David and I got to stand front row..and my mom and the other David bought tickets last minute and got to see the show. That made it all the better. I have nothing more to say other than Lady Gaga is my Queen.

   

"When it hits you feel no pain...."

While this post might sound like the ultimate cheese to some..I know there are a few who will understand. I can not put into words what music does to me. Unless one can personally experience this, they can not begin to understand. Last night, I went to the Dave Matthews concert again and as the vibrations were moving through every fiber of my body, I was trying to think how I could describe the sensation. I would reach up and feel my heart, only to feel the beat of the bass and drums pounding there. I got absolutely lost in it. I would watch their fingers strumming the guitars and the passion in their faces and I was just absolutely overcome with a sense of well being. Then I would close my eyes and feel like I was swimming in a substance (no this is not due to any mind-altering chemicals). I felt encased and safe by the vibrations. I think Erika felt it to some extent. She just kept touching me on the shoulder and saying "This is just magical. It's magical. It's like a blanket." And that it is.. it's like blanket that's warm and holding you tight. That is when I feel closest to God..when it's just me and the music. I feel like I'm in another place. That's where I will find my next soulmate...there in that place.

Holes

I have no idea what day it is at this point. In fact, I'm not sure I know what planet I'm on. My whole entire life has been flipped. I don't really understand it all. I feel like I'm living right. I feel like I'm treating my body, my brothers and sisters, and my planet with the love and care that a good Christian would. Why can't I follow a path that doesn't freaking fall apart on me every six months? I call this post Holes because that's what my life is filled with at this moment. Yes, I know "This too shall pass...." but right now, I'm hanging in mid air. So I lost my boyfriend... I was just readjusting to life without him and patching the HOLE that was in my heart. Then, I wake up for work Monday morning to a job that felt very secure..only to be sat down and fired. ME? FIRED?? Dude, I was employee of the year at my last job?!? Anyway, that explains the massive HOLE in my bank account. Lastly, the day that I got fired and the night before my mom went home.. we got in a huge fight. The blame is neither here nor there.. everything just got too overwhelming for both of us to deal with. She's going through a hard time herself. As a result.. there is a huge HOLE in my wall because I kicked the shit out of it. We got over it... and expressed to each other our feelings in a better way..which I wish it would have been all along. We are both really grateful that the cards that we have been dealt are much much better than some of the alternatives. So now..the search is for a new job. It's okay because I hated that one anyway.. it was really more of a pride issue. No more HYPOCHRISTIAN for a boss. :)

Day 10.. was yesterday I think?

It's weird how when you are with someone for so long how much they become a possession of sorts. I entertain the idea of someone else touching me and I think wait no.,, that's not just mine to pass around... Such a funny thing. I think about someone else touching Paoli and I don't really feel mad or sad.. I just feel like oh that's weird that someone else can just do whatever they want because it's been my possession for so long. It's kinda cute actually.. But I wonder what the average time for that to fade is. How does it work? Do you wait until those thoughts are completely gone to allow someone else in or do you allow someone else in in order to get over it? 

Well these are just some random thoughts as I am doing some facebook stalking while I wait on David to get his bags at the airport. I look at old pics of Paoli and I... I see him touching my side or hugging me... I can't imagine that if I wanted (which I really don't at this point) someone else to do those things.. It would actually be my choice. It has not been mine to give away for a very long time. Even when we were apart in the past, I didn't let my mind go there because I always knew he would come back... But this time I'm going there. I have to. There's no turning back. I was telling my mom that it's so different to not have that ONE person who knows you better than anyone else in the world. When thats gone, its just you and yourself who know you like that. I cried a bit but I'm feeling better now. 

I sat in on a drum circle/jam session today. It was interesting and allowed for me to enter a very meditative state. It was nice. Something I wouldn't really share with just anyone is the fact that it was a group of Christian boys... And something kind of weird happened during it. I thought I heard someone playing the flute. It was freaky.

I'm so excited. My mom went to Ikea and bought a bunch of stuff to complete my apartment today. It feels nice to make my home a little more mine. 

More randomness... I was thinking about much I can enjoy myself If I stay in the present. If I do not think about all the things that I had in the past that are gone... I can thoroughly enjoy myself. If I don't dwell on what I'm going to do about a partner in the future.. I feel wonderful. Doesn't that seem like such a simple concept? I've been doing really well wit it dayside. Haha, it's these damn dimly lit Italian restaurants playing frank Sinatra that are screwing me up.

Oh my word- I washed my car today for the first time in a long time and now the dent from my minor accident is shining so brightly! It hurts me every time I look at it. What a stupid move! Speaking of stupid move... I almost walked right through the screen door again today!! I'm trying to befriend my new neighbor so I'm always running out the door to see if it's him pulling up! haha. 

The only picture that I have for this post was the one I randomly took of my speedometer while I was waiting for David to come out of the airport.--Not too exciting.

Day 9

I don't even know what day it is. All I know is that I'm extremely annoyed at the moment. I'm doing my best to leave this as peaceful as I know how so that I can get past it with a friendship still in tact to be picked up later. I don't really want to be chatty cathy. All I really care to know at this point is if he is alive, fed and watered. Anymore than that is just too much for me to handle. I don't really know what it is in my mind that I'm picturing him doing in order to get through this so easily.. but I want to keep it that way. I don't mind the occasional text just to check in.. but I'm just not that other half of him anymore. Without committing to me as a partner, he just doesn't get all the benefits of having that. I feel like so many men want all the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility.. I wish them well.

Ughhh I just feel like screaming right now because this is all such stupid bullshit. I want to be so far on the other side of this. I don't want to have any romantic feelings towards him at all and right now they are fading each day, which is helping tremendously. As bad as I'd love to be able to talk to him as a friend right now, it only rekindles those little romantic flames in my head and butterflies in my stomach. Yuck. Why have those just to have them? I've kindly asked them to move out for at least 7-10 years.

I'm not going to play the little misunderstood girl anymore. I am going to find people and like them for what they are and accept them. Yeah, it's freaking great to have someone who knows you inside and out right by your side to share life with..but really Brenna? You really think that he is the only person who understands you?? No. That's not possible. Maybe he is the only person who will ever understand me in that way, but I'm sure there's someone else who will get me just as well, only in a different light. That makes sense in my head but I'm not sure if it does written down. Oh well.

Speaking of other people...last night was so funny. I went swimming with a group of people I have now coined "The Lonely Hearts Club." Haha! I met them all in the hot tub. I got to talkin' to a girl named Bonnie who just went through a divorce after a 17 year marriage. Ouch! She got out of it because he suffered from depression. She told me that he would have days where all he wanted to do was lock himself in and play video games. They are both 39...probably about time to throw those out. Anyway, he decided that his depression wasn't fair to do put her through anymore and he left her. She knows it's really the for the best. She told me the quote "Sometimes blessings come in shitty packages." Yes, they do. The other members of the club are Gia, an Israeli girl, her brother, Tal, a girl named Joseanne who has a 3 year old son, and Eric.. who I've yet to learn about. Although, I'm pretty sure that Eric was on some sort of pool date with Joseanne.. and he definitely asked me on a date right in front of her.. confused...I'm probably not interested but those pimpin' skills would sure make my brother proud. I was walking out of the pool and he said, "See ya next time..." And I was thinking, "um sure.." and then I get just passed the gate and he said, "Sunday at 5??" I just looked at my mom and laughed my ass off! I'm not ready to date but the attention never hurts a girl's self esteem.

I still lose sleep..unfortunately. Oddly enough, I'm losing sleep because I'm worrying if Paoli is sleeping alright. Love is such a silly thing. I keep having ridiculous dreams! I'm glad I've moved on from the Asian Gang dreams though... last night was funny rather than scary! Thank God!

Oh my wordddd I'm so excited! The Davids gets here tonight! Only 3 days til Gaga. I'm dressing up and it's going to be amazing!!! I dunno if I can get David to but I'm gonna give it hell. I went and got some more furniture because Weeds premieres soon and a few friends are going to start coming over every week to watch it! Mowgli is in love with his new chair--he and Violet are debating which one is whose?

Anyway, I feel so much better after writing this. I'm back to my center, back at peace, back to loving this life and appreciating all the weird cards it has dealt me.

and You..if you're reading this.. We'll find the friendship balance one day.. we will.. just not today.

Day 8

Today was pretty good, I reckon. My mom and I had a good brunch at The Sagebrush Cantina. We talked again about relationships because of course my mind is boggled by them right now. Of course, it's not something that I'm really concerned with for right now, but I do hope I find one in the future. I'm trying to get through my head that while every relationship will have its issues, the right one will not hurt so bad so many times. I wonder if this is a realistic approach. Am I sick for thinking that they don't get any better than that? I told my mom how weird I am about having sex with people and how I'm concerned about ever entering another relationship because of it.  I feel that since I am 22...when you date, there is this pressure to have sex pretty quickly into the relationship. I talked myself out of that because I guess I really don't have to do shit I don't want to. It's a very long way off from now but I'm sure if it will ever be right with someone else, I'll know. I also have these thoughts about how freaking skeptical of everyone and their words I'm going to be for a while. I do not think Paoli was ever lying to me when he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I think he truly did feel it but then time passed and he didn't feel it or he talked himself out of it for whatever reason. It just makes me a bit nervous to ever hear that from anyone again. Yeah they may mean it at the moment but oh how quickly it can change. Ughhhh. Anyway enough of the inner workings of my silly brain. None of that stuff really matters. What matters is I made it through today, which is all I'm trying to do about now. 

So....we did a bit more shopping after brunch and then headed down to Venice to meet my friends for volleyball. Finding parking sucked and we saw a homeless being way too rough with his poor dog, so that kind of ruined our moods for a little while. The sun, sand, and sailboats helped turn that around, though. We didn't get to play all that long but my mom took some fun pics of us! After volleyball we had  a great dinner and the best Blue Moon on tap I've ever had. 

My mom can't get used to the time difference... so she's asleep already and it's only 8:30. So...I'm off to watch some LA Ink and dream about all the tattoos that I want and shouldn't get. 

Nighty night.

Day 7

So day 7 was actually yesterday but I didn't get the opportunity to write... So I'll catch up now. It's safe to say I probably shouldn't be driving in this time of my distress... Haha! In the past week, under no influence of pills or alcohol, I have backed into a parked truck (the name of the person's truck, i shouldn't publish, it was a bit of a hit and oh shit!, drive off!); I literally pulled out making a right turn and clipped the corner of a man's leg. I would have killed he and his gay partner both had my mom not been in the car screaming STOP!! I drove probably 15 miles with the parking brake on, while getting out at every stop light to check and see if my tire was flat??? To top this all off, I completely lost the car last night after a day of shopping. We had to stop at every level of the parking garage and press the panic button to find it. 

Other than needing to have my license temporarily revoked, I'm doing alright. I had a great day with my mom yesterday. I got the cutest new clothes, laid by the pool, and had a wonderful dinner! I can't explain how much dessert I have had since this happened. It seems to help. In the dimly lit restaurant last night, the sadness set in. Mom and I were discussing how quick a whole life can change. I'll be feeling fine and then it all hits me how different my life is right now and will continue to be. I know a large part of it is just taking time to get used to. Right now, it feels shocking. She told me she was a little surprised at how well I was doing and that it still might not have really hit me... But I truly think the worst is over. Now it's only moments, maybe hours of sadness, when before it was weeks and days. 

Anyway, I picked up the David Sedaris book Naked yesterday. Ha, I love the way that sounds. Anyway, today is volleyball day and I'm taking my mom! Exciting! 

Love, love, love..... 

           

Day 6

Last night was absolutely horrible. I couldn't go to sleep because of all the anxiety. For the past couple of years, I have had some recurring breathing issues. That's been tripping me up lately, too. When I finally did get to sleep, I dreamt about some crazy people taking over some town I was in and trying to kidnap me for being in their territory. I made my escape when a couple of young guys passed in a horse-drawn carriage...they let me jump in the back. They took me to a hiding place and when the kidnappers found me, they were slicing my thumbs with knives. I woke up because it hurt. So it was not a very restful night of sleep. That bed feels so different now, although it still feels like mine. I was afraid I might not ever want to sleep in it again, but I'm beginning to feel like that will pass. It helps that my mom is here.

I had a really great day with my mom and one of her friend who happens to be visiting from Arkansas. We sat in the sunshine and laughed for hours. She's probably one of the funniest people I know. I'm so grateful to be somewhere where it's sunny most of the time. It's really helping with the optimistic and peaceful feelings I have about this situation. Unfortunately, every place still has night time and boy is it rough! It's amazing how when the sun sets, I can automatically feel the heaviness set in my chest. It seems like all of this stuff I've been telling this blog and telling my self is a little less true. The truth of the matter is...no this is NOT what I want, but it is what it is. I am not happier that this has happened, but I tried my darndest to change it. I fought with all I had, for as long as I could and the end result is still this. So I guess accepting is really all there is to do, and I'm slowly getting that. The Serenity Prayer is one that's coming to me often.

God, grant us the...

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

If that doesn't sum it up, I don't know what does. As difficult as night time is, the sun will rise and I will feel a little bit better than I did the day before. So here's to resting my eyes tonight and waking up a little stronger tomorrow.

Peace, Love and Acceptance... those are the themes today.